Unedited Rambling About Huz

I’m feeling quite open today and figure I might as well take advantage of it while it’s here. Today has been quite an odd assortment of feelings and I used that to my advantage. Sort of. Huz has made it a habit to just pop in whenever he feels like, without calling ahead and it’s really been wearing on my nerves. I didn’t want to open anything up to an argument but I felt as if I didn’t say anything it would just keep happening. Before I tell you about how I handled the situation I should mention how an why he’s been coming here at all in the first place.

As you know the kids and I are in therapy, working on quite a lot and in the begining our therapisits had mentioned that they thought he should come as well, so he and I could get on the same page with our techniques. As you might guess, I was extremely uncomfortable with that idea. After I had some confidence about the whole situation and the kids under my belt I finally agreed to some counciling, just he and I. It’s been really effective in the sense that there are mediators there when we talk and they put the breaks on when things get heated between the two of us, we are also learning to communicate civilly and be a united front when it comes to the kids. However, as the weeks went by he started becoming more and more comfortable (really bad news in my opinion) and just showing up here and there. He even has taken showers here (this made me FURIOUS) and thought I wouldn’t have a problem with him sleeping here. I put the sleeping here to a stop immediatly but wasn’t sure how to address the random pop in’s.

“Just tell him to stop!” I can here you now, the problem is, it’s not that simple. First of all, I have an extremely hard time confronting him on anything. I also know that he is sharp witted and in any instance will snap back some type of responce that will leave me flustered and confused. I also know that when he feels offended he tends to “plot revenge” by attacking me either right away or a near future date. This situation needed to be handled strategically, and while my therapist has been prepping me for the big conversation, I still wasn’t feeling confident enough to go down that road quite yet.

This past Saturday however, when I was getting ready to see a friend, he just showed up and dropped our kids and HIS neice and nephew off so he could run an errand. No call first, no asking if I was able to do it. Just stopped by like it was the natural thing to do. Well, this really didn’t set well with me, in fact I am still fuming about it. What if my friend was here? How awkard would that have been? I guess you can say I’ve been dating a little and he knows it because flowers were sent to my house, and last week when he just popped up there was man evidence here. Each time when he asked about the flowers and the foreign beer I just said it was a friends, but I know he knows. If he doesn’t like seeing that stuff then perhaps he should call ahead, right? Anyway, back to Saturday.. I was livid and I let him know I was upset, but because I didn’t want any trouble I just watched the kids and decided I would firm up my plans with my therapist on (this) Tuesday, then bring up the subject in our therapy (this) Thursday. Sounded like a good plan… Until he just popped up again today.

If you saw my earlier posts today, you can probably come to the conclusion that my emotions were a bit scattered today. I was feeling back down in mood when he decided to just show up and though I remained calm, the longer he stuck around, the more I realized that something should be said. So after an hour of us not talking and me feeling uncomfortable I said I had to leave for my appointment. He wanted to use the van for something so he asked if I would just take the car.

“I guess.” I said rather snappy.

“You guess?” he said kind of mocking me.

“Yeah, well what are you doing?” I replied. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I know I was.

“I need the van” he said matter of factly.

“Well I don’t understand why you can’t call first,” I started to get it out. “Your always just showing up and it’s really rude. I wouldn’t just show up to your house.”

“Well my kids live here. They don’t live with me.” he said really quick (this is the predictable quick wit.)

“Yeah,” I said firmly, “that doesn’t give you the right to just come here whenever you feel like it. It’s rude.”

Then he really got witty by replying “Well when I am accused of spending only 12 hours a week with my kids..”

I cut him off. “It’s inappropriate and you need to stop.”

I then left.

Of course when I came back an hour and a half later he had bought us dinner and was just hanging out like he still lives here.

Ugh. Well I addressed it and made it clear that I don’t want him coming around whenever he feels like it, right? I can’t wait to talk about this with my therapist tomorrow and get some follow up tips. Then on Thursday I am going to bring it up again during our counciling, that way we can talk about it with witnesses and he can’t try to act like I didn’t address it with him. I’m sure he will be super defensive and bring it up that I am seeing someone but that isn’t any of his concern. And how he deals with it shouldn’t and hopefully won’t be my problem.

 

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Yin and Yang

Since posting my “Something that makes you sad” picture earlier today, I’ve thought a lot about how it is that I really feel. It is true that I do feel sad a lot, but for the most part I don’t let it overtake me as I have in the past. I think there is a lot to be said about not feeling as sad as I used to.

To be honest, I am actually pretty happy with who I have become so far. I think a part of me will always be sad but I’m not sure that is abnormal. Life doesn’t always work out how we imagine it should, but what I understand now is that wallowing in disappointments isn’t going to change a thing. I used to feed into my sadness. Harp on it. Dwell in it. Let it consume me and allow it to grow. Ultimately I let my emotional pain hold me back. It felt safe.

I’ve dealt with a lot of losses in the past year. Many decisions I have put off making for years were suddenly made for me. While they weren’t fun to experience, I realize every change I’ve met has been necessary. Painful to go through? You bet. But in the end, these losses are allowing me to restructure my life in a way that I’ve been too afraid to go after any time before.

I used to think that the ability to not give up on a relationship was a great quality I possessed. I see now that my determination was only a mask for fear. I fear change, failure, risk, and the unknown. Life is forcing me to face my fears now, and though sometimes it is painful and scary, it is also kind of exciting. Letting go of that security blanket which I’ve held onto tightly for so long feels almost freeing.

I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I know that I no longer want to hide my head in the sand when conflict arises. I don’t want to be who I was before. I still have my bad days, when things don’t go the way I expect them to, but how I deal with disappointments now will prepare me for the future.

And while that picture of my fake smile made me sad  this morning, the sadness for today has passed. Now I can admit that there are so many other things about myself, and my life, that truly make me happy.