I’ve completely lost all of my motivation over the past three weeks. I feel stuck in my head and worse yet, stuck in this broken body. I’ve accomplished not much of anything and anything that did get done came with a heavy price to pay afterwards. I’ve been doing a lot of reading up on Fibromialgia and one of the things I see most frequently in what people are saying is “moderation is everything.” It’s hard knowing when to stop myself if I am having a “good” day. I find that I push and push so hard to get everything I can accomplished during the few hours a week my pain is barable and my fatigue isn’t keeping me chained to the couch, the floor or my bed. Getting a load or two of wash done, a bit of dishes cleand and cooking a minimal meal is a fantastic day for me.
I am angry with myself for all of the years when I didn’t do something simply because I didn’t “feel like it.” Oh how I beat myself up now for thse memories. My aunt told me that I can’t do that though. That was then and this is now. I need to pace myself and feel proud of anything I can do now. Yay, I made it upstairs without wanting to collapse or only woke up once during the night, such a great thing. My pain level is only a 6 today, what a great accomplishment. I only rested for 8 hours today, instead of the usual 15, hooray!
My life as I knew it is just that… How I knew it.
Today at physical therapy my therapists stood close by my back and side as I for the first time in 3 months took the steps as a normal person would, one foot for each step. This was a huge thing for me, a great accomplishment. I did it, we went all the way up and all the way down. It felt foregin to me, as if I had never done anything like it before. The brain is such a funny thing. I’ve known how to climb stairs since I was able to walk. How could I have forgotten? Each step I had to take today was well thought out. I had to tell my brain what to do. I suppose I should feel proud. I am not. I am angry. I am sad.
My sister told me last week that she didn’t think I was handeling all of this very good. I was thrown back and hurt by her words. I replied back that I didn’t know what she meant and she specified that me being sad and angry isn’t helping me. I told her anyone who had constant pain for a solid 3 months would react the same way. She said she wasn’t critisizing me. I know that she wasn’t and didn’t mean to be hurtful. I know she wasn’t.
Aside from knowing your limits the very best piece of advice I read on one of the many websites I’ve been getting familiar with is “don’t complain to people. It’s exhauting to listen to and pushes people away.” This is something that is going to take a lot of disipline and effort on my part. It’s hard not to complain about this, the pain consumes me. The fear and worry that I really will feel this way forever consumes me. I’m sure it would do the same to anyone.
I’m going to focus on not complaining to the few people I have to talk to in my life though. I am going to try to be positive and hopeful that somehow this will all be okay. I think I might start another blog just to vent about this crap. Maybe it will help someone who is in the same shoes as me. Maybe it will help me.
I am praying for a good day this week. I still have cookies to bake and send out, I want to finish the laundry my daughter started and I want to feel like I have a purpose in this life so starting the new blog would be a positive thing to do, too. I don’t want to give up on my list but I feel like I already have. I haven’t written, I haven’t read my subscriptions and I haven’t even picked up my camera in weeks. I’ve lost my mind. I need to somehow find it.
Anyway, I’m sorry if I’ve let anyone down by not writing or keeping up with your lives. Tonight I plan to catch up with all of you and get back into the swing of things. I’ve been in a very dark and lonely place and if I learned only a few things this week, one thing I’ve certainly learned that I’ve missed blogging. And baking. And walking. And the old me….
I’m hopeful. I promise.
ps I didn’t edit this so I’m sorry if it’s a mess, I just wanted to vent and ramble and write.