Quick Hello

Hello. I’m still here and just wanted to let everyone know I am alive.

I haven’t been feeling the greatest for the past few weeks and most of the time I’ve been trapped in my head, trying to find sleep and a way to get comfortable. My hands have been un-Godly achy and it hurts too much to type. My mind isn’t cooperating much these days either but I am hopeful these hindrances will pass soon, as I have quite a bit I’d like to share with you.

I hope everyone is doing fantastic and I will be back soon, even if it kills me, I promise.

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Fatigue 3; Ginger 3

Okay, I didn’t accomplish all of what I set out to do yesterday. I did start the laundry, I delagated the dishes to Natalie (totally counts) and I got to the doctors.

So today, I need to shower, like right now, make 4 phone calls, and pay bills. I also have PT this evening and want to get another load of wash done.

My doctor didn’t diagnose me with anything yet; instead he upped my meds (again) and has given me a referral to a Rhuemotiod. That’s fine with me, it’s progress. My blood work came back fantastic (I think that is normal with FMS) and he was happy about that. My blood pressure was high, but that could be from the meds, it was also confirmed my rediculous brusing is from the meds. Yea, I’m pasty white with black, blue, yellow and brown spots. Attractive!

Anyway, today is the first day of 200 mg Savella, it usually takes a week or two to feel the full effects but I am feeling jittery right now, instead of tired like I usually am around this time of day. Hopefully this will keep the fatigue away for a few hours.  I slept well last night after I finally fell asleep after 1:30am. Maybe if I stay up late every night I will be able to sleep longer hours straight through? All together I am happy to say I had 6 hours of uninturrupted sleep. Fantastic! I hope that becomes the norm 🙂 My pain level is a 6 now but I am not going to feel sorry for myself today.

I hope to have something fun to write about soon, I am sorry if this topic is stretching out too long. I’ve gotten some good feedback and tons of much appriciated support from a lot of you though and right now this is my stupid life. Key words: Right Now. I gotta believe! Thank you so much everyone for being so kind, it means more to me than you will ever know.

I did start up a new blog just for this topic, but I’m kind of afraid I will just wallow in self pity and pain, that is why I haven’t written there yet. If this kind of post really starts to take over on this site though I will move it over there so I don’t drive you all insane.

I am setting a fun goal for myself today to balance all of the boring dreaded things on my to do list: take a picture of something that makes me smile and post it with a happy Ginger post. Have a nice day everyone 🙂

Ignoring the Stop Signs

I am determined to make today a good day. I had a good amount of sleep last night and only woke up twice, but that was early in the morning, which is way better than the middle of the night. Before I even got out of bed I did my regular stretches and then a few more, just for good measure. I wasn’t as stiff as I usually am when I take the first few steps, so I think the few minutes of extra stretching helped. My pain level is only about a 5 right now and that’s is as good as it gets so it makes for a good day.

The weather is hot and muggy and that usually sends me soaring into pain, luckly for me, I only have one appointment this afternoon and don’t have a need to be outside other than that. I have the air on and my heating pad ready if it does get to me before the afternoon. I’ve read a lot of articles about the negative effects from the cold weather and fibro and it had me about terrified of what I would be feeling like in the upcoming winter season here, but finally I found an article that stated hot weather can have the same effect as the cold, and usually the “victims of fibro” are only affected by one extreme, not both. I sure hope that is true. I’m going with that train of thought and hoping there will be some releif soon.

My appointment today is with my promary doctor. I am to the point where I want to demand answers from him. I won’t do it meanly but I’ve been living in this hell for three months now and I want to know what to do next. I am scared that it really is fibro, but at the same time, if it’s not fibro, I am scared of what it could be. I mean, if this is residual pain from the fall, it seems to have gone on for far too long. Trauma would take some time to heal (the hospital told me three WEEKS), if it’s spinal cord damage, than why would the Orthopedic say there was no chance that was the issue? I’m scared it’s not fibro too, because, well, it just doesn’t make sence. I suppose I am just scared because I don’t know.

My physical therapists have ordered another 4 weeks of sessions twice a week. After that, my insurance will only cover 8 more times, so I am hoping to be done with it before then. I used to really like my therapy and while it is improving my motor skills and ability to walk, it is no longer relieving any pain, in fact it is creating more pain. Some days after therapy I just cry because I am so sore. I am always exhausted for the rest of the day or night after my sessions. One of my physical therapists gave me a list of sliding scale physiciatrists that she thinks I should meet with. She said that she really thinks it will help with my pain. She said she knows I am being slammed with medical bills and the sliding scale will help cut the cost that my insurance isn’t good for. She also said if I can’t get a cheap enough appointment she will let me drop one day a week because I have progressed well so far and can be trusted with doing my exersizes religiously at home. She thinks mental therapy at this point is just as critical as the physical.

I think I am scared to talk to someone, because I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if they are going to know what to ask me, or if I am supposed to just tell them. I obviously have some issues to deal with, but I don’t know where to start. My pt said that is normal to be scared and that there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. She even let me know that she has a therapist (for different reasons, of course) and was scared to contact them for help at first, but said it has helped her greatly with her issues. She told me to call when I am ready for it, but urged me to call soon because she so stongly thinks it will help. I might as well set up an appointment today. If it will help with this pain than I am foolish not to.

Anyway, since I am set on being positive today, I am going to try to get as much done as I can. There are some dishes to do, laundry to start, bills to pay and a handful of dreaded phone calls to make. I also need to shower and get to the doctors by 2:30pm. I am going to pace myself and if I can get at least half of those things done I will be very pleased with myself when I lay down tonight. Hopefully that will bring me another good day tomorrow.

Rebellious Sangria

I am so totally breaking the rules here but that’s okay.

Even though it’s not quite 5 O’Clock, the kids are gone and I wanted to get something crossed off my list…

Forgive the photo, I had to take it with my iphone because Natalie has the memory card for the camera.

Nope, it’s not wine, it’s champagne, so I doubt it really counts as Sangria, but it certianly counts for crossing “Drink Champagne” off of my list!

🙂

Ya ya ya

Hide and Seek

I’ve completely lost all of my motivation over the past three weeks. I feel stuck in my head and worse yet, stuck in this broken body. I’ve accomplished not much of anything and anything that did get done came with a heavy price to pay afterwards. I’ve been doing a lot of reading up on Fibromialgia and one of the things I see most frequently in what people are saying is “moderation is everything.”  It’s hard knowing when to stop myself if I am having a “good” day. I find that I push and push so hard to get everything I can accomplished during the few hours a week my pain is barable and my fatigue isn’t keeping me chained to the couch, the floor or my bed. Getting a load or two of wash done, a bit of dishes cleand and cooking a minimal meal is a fantastic day for me.

I am angry with myself for all of the years when I didn’t do something simply because I didn’t “feel like it.” Oh how I beat myself up now for thse memories. My aunt told me that I can’t do that though. That was then and this is now. I need to pace myself and feel proud of anything I can do now. Yay, I made it upstairs without wanting to collapse or only woke up once during the night, such a great thing. My pain level is only a 6 today, what a great accomplishment. I only rested for 8 hours today, instead of the usual 15, hooray!

This sucks.

My life as I knew it is just that… How I knew it.

Today at physical therapy my therapists stood close by my back and side as I for the first time in 3 months took the steps as a normal person would, one foot for each step. This was a huge thing for me, a great accomplishment. I did it, we went all the way up and all the way down. It felt foregin to me, as if I had never done anything like it before. The brain is such a funny thing. I’ve known how to climb stairs since I was able to walk. How could I have forgotten? Each step I had to take today was well thought out. I had to tell my brain what to do. I suppose I should feel proud. I am not. I am angry. I am sad.

My sister told me last week that she didn’t think I was handeling all of this very good. I was thrown back and hurt by her words. I replied back that I didn’t know what she meant and she specified that me being sad and angry isn’t helping me. I told her anyone who had constant pain for a solid 3 months would react the same way. She said she wasn’t critisizing me. I know that she wasn’t and didn’t mean to be hurtful. I know she wasn’t.

Aside from knowing your limits the very best piece of advice I read on one of the many websites I’ve been getting familiar with is “don’t complain to people. It’s exhauting to listen to and pushes people away.” This is something that is going to take a lot of disipline and effort on my part. It’s hard not to complain about this, the pain consumes me. The fear and worry that I really will feel this way forever consumes me. I’m sure it would do the same to anyone.

I’m going to focus on not complaining to the few people I have to talk to in my life though. I am going to try to be positive and hopeful that somehow this will all be okay. I think I might start another blog just to vent about this crap. Maybe it will help someone who is in the same shoes as me. Maybe it will help me.

I am praying for a good day this week. I still have cookies to bake and send out, I want to finish the laundry my daughter started and I want to feel like I have a purpose in this life so starting the new blog would be a positive thing to do, too. I don’t want to give up on my list but I feel like I already have. I haven’t written, I haven’t read my subscriptions and I haven’t even picked up my camera in weeks.  I’ve lost my mind. I need to somehow find it.

Anyway, I’m sorry if I’ve let anyone down by not writing or keeping up with your lives. Tonight I plan to catch up with all of you and get back into the swing of things. I’ve been in a very dark and lonely place and if I learned only a few things this week, one thing I’ve certainly learned that I’ve missed blogging. And baking. And walking. And the old me….

I’m hopeful. I promise.

ps I didn’t edit this so I’m sorry if it’s a mess, I just wanted to vent and ramble and write.