Unedited Rambling About Huz

I’m feeling quite open today and figure I might as well take advantage of it while it’s here. Today has been quite an odd assortment of feelings and I used that to my advantage. Sort of. Huz has made it a habit to just pop in whenever he feels like, without calling ahead and it’s really been wearing on my nerves. I didn’t want to open anything up to an argument but I felt as if I didn’t say anything it would just keep happening. Before I tell you about how I handled the situation I should mention how an why he’s been coming here at all in the first place.

As you know the kids and I are in therapy, working on quite a lot and in the begining our therapisits had mentioned that they thought he should come as well, so he and I could get on the same page with our techniques. As you might guess, I was extremely uncomfortable with that idea. After I had some confidence about the whole situation and the kids under my belt I finally agreed to some counciling, just he and I. It’s been really effective in the sense that there are mediators there when we talk and they put the breaks on when things get heated between the two of us, we are also learning to communicate civilly and be a united front when it comes to the kids. However, as the weeks went by he started becoming more and more comfortable (really bad news in my opinion) and just showing up here and there. He even has taken showers here (this made me FURIOUS) and thought I wouldn’t have a problem with him sleeping here. I put the sleeping here to a stop immediatly but wasn’t sure how to address the random pop in’s.

“Just tell him to stop!” I can here you now, the problem is, it’s not that simple. First of all, I have an extremely hard time confronting him on anything. I also know that he is sharp witted and in any instance will snap back some type of responce that will leave me flustered and confused. I also know that when he feels offended he tends to “plot revenge” by attacking me either right away or a near future date. This situation needed to be handled strategically, and while my therapist has been prepping me for the big conversation, I still wasn’t feeling confident enough to go down that road quite yet.

This past Saturday however, when I was getting ready to see a friend, he just showed up and dropped our kids and HIS neice and nephew off so he could run an errand. No call first, no asking if I was able to do it. Just stopped by like it was the natural thing to do. Well, this really didn’t set well with me, in fact I am still fuming about it. What if my friend was here? How awkard would that have been? I guess you can say I’ve been dating a little and he knows it because flowers were sent to my house, and last week when he just popped up there was man evidence here. Each time when he asked about the flowers and the foreign beer I just said it was a friends, but I know he knows. If he doesn’t like seeing that stuff then perhaps he should call ahead, right? Anyway, back to Saturday.. I was livid and I let him know I was upset, but because I didn’t want any trouble I just watched the kids and decided I would firm up my plans with my therapist on (this) Tuesday, then bring up the subject in our therapy (this) Thursday. Sounded like a good plan… Until he just popped up again today.

If you saw my earlier posts today, you can probably come to the conclusion that my emotions were a bit scattered today. I was feeling back down in mood when he decided to just show up and though I remained calm, the longer he stuck around, the more I realized that something should be said. So after an hour of us not talking and me feeling uncomfortable I said I had to leave for my appointment. He wanted to use the van for something so he asked if I would just take the car.

“I guess.” I said rather snappy.

“You guess?” he said kind of mocking me.

“Yeah, well what are you doing?” I replied. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I know I was.

“I need the van” he said matter of factly.

“Well I don’t understand why you can’t call first,” I started to get it out. “Your always just showing up and it’s really rude. I wouldn’t just show up to your house.”

“Well my kids live here. They don’t live with me.” he said really quick (this is the predictable quick wit.)

“Yeah,” I said firmly, “that doesn’t give you the right to just come here whenever you feel like it. It’s rude.”

Then he really got witty by replying “Well when I am accused of spending only 12 hours a week with my kids..”

I cut him off. “It’s inappropriate and you need to stop.”

I then left.

Of course when I came back an hour and a half later he had bought us dinner and was just hanging out like he still lives here.

Ugh. Well I addressed it and made it clear that I don’t want him coming around whenever he feels like it, right? I can’t wait to talk about this with my therapist tomorrow and get some follow up tips. Then on Thursday I am going to bring it up again during our counciling, that way we can talk about it with witnesses and he can’t try to act like I didn’t address it with him. I’m sure he will be super defensive and bring it up that I am seeing someone but that isn’t any of his concern. And how he deals with it shouldn’t and hopefully won’t be my problem.

 

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17 thoughts on “Unedited Rambling About Huz

  1. I’m so angry on your behalf and I don’t mean to be rude or insensitive, but you cannot allow him to come over unannounced. It’s absolutely ridiculous, everything about him. You don’t owe him a reason. He’s manipulating you and he still has power over you. Please don’t let him. Love and hugs.

    1. Thank you feeling the anger with me. I completely agree with you about control. This isn’t the only way he does it either. Recognizing that it is happening is good for me though, I never used to see it. He’s not manipulating me because I see it for what it is, but he is completely trying to. This is why I need my therapists help. Thanks for being honest and for your strength… It is exactly what I need!

      1. That’s what I was hoping. Validation is so important when you are still developing your own strength. Know that I speak from experience and feel obligated to advise from that standpoint. You can do it.

      2. Here’s some encouragement! My ex told my daughter that the reason he didn’t call my son on his birthday a few weeks ago was because he was too afraid that I would answer the phone. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. What were the seperation agreements like. How many times a week is he supposed to see the kids, and was allowed to see the kids/you without someone else present? Time heals all wounds; it doesn’t change the court order.

    1. Well, the court order was lifted.. That’s what makes it tricky. We have talked about a mediator and divorce but haven’t done it yet. I suppose that would be the smartest route but with me not working I won’t be able to get a loan in my name for the house. I think that might be able to be worked around? I was hoping we could be civil but with his control issues and my hard time with standing up for myself I’ve not pushed it. I guess I should. Thanks Dad, that is sensible.

  3. I am also angry on your behalf, he is being a bully and it has no place in anyone’s life and the sooner you get the mental strength to cross swords and win. Until then you need to lay out written rules of action hand them to him and tell him don’t follow the rules, he does not get in the house. It yours and your children’s life and you call the shots. I really hate people who take advantage. I really do wish you peace and happiness ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Thank you. I think this has brought me to the conclusion that the sooner I get some legal documents the better. I will feel better and he will know his boundaries without any excuses. I feel good about this. I just need to do it..

  4. sending you strength and hugs. and a tiny bit of nastiness, just in case you need it. stand your ground. you are doing the right things for you and your kids. period.

  5. sending you strength and hugs. and a little bit of nastiness, just in case you need it. stand your ground. you are doing the right things for you and your kids. period. and you’re doing a great job!

  6. Ginger, Seeing the problem exists is empowering. Learning what to do with this knowledge is the next step! Glad you are keeping a cool head until you see the therapist.
    ~ Lynda

  7. Good morning Ginger, I forgot to mention, I occasional work in primary schools as a support worker and I love supervising the playground, its not in my contract to do that but it allows me time to chat to the children, find out what the word is and also deal with bullying. What I do tell the children to do when they get worried about bullying or cannot sleep because they are laying thinking of the bullys. I tell them to use their imagination and imagine the bully and focus on their face and then get a big eraser and rub out their face, so they are no longer looking at you and if they don’t have a face, they then cannot see you and if they don’t see you, you can stand against them.
    The feedback is that the children are standing up to the bullys and the bully is backing down. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Hi Peter.. I tried to comment on your blog but is set up to only allow .org users to do so (it says you must be logged in to comment, but accounts for WP.com and .org aren’t the same).
      Is there any way you are able to set up allowing comments with only an email address? You are kind of limiting yourself from comments this way, but I’m sure you didn’t even know ๐Ÿ™‚

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