It’s Okay to Not be Okay

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here and I don’t much feel like writing right now, but I do feel overwhelmed with guilt for not keeping up with this blog that I do love so very much. I wish I could say that I’ve been absent from the blogosphere because of being busy with projects, or because of a long vacation to some tropical place or even that I’ve been doing anything productive with my time, for that matter. The truth is though that I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water and survive lately.

Last year was really rough on me and I feel like everything should have fallen into place by now and that I could be moving forward in a new and exciting life, but after a long hard look at what is going on here, my therapist brought me to the conclusion that I am still in transition. I felt relieved after realizing that this is what is going on because for the past two months I’ve been feel terrible, assuming that all of this stress and lethargy and aggravation was going to be the rest of my life from now on.

I feel as though I am climbing up yet another very steep mountain and for quite sometime I couldn’t see the top. While I am still not seeing the top, I do feel a grand sense of comfort knowing that it really isn’t to far off.

Does that even make any sense?

I’ll rephrase it in another way that my therapist related it to me. She said to think of it as a snow globe. Back in April of last year, when all of the issues came to a head it was like someone shook a snow globe and all of the bits and pieces of my life where just swirling about rapidly. Chaos and confusion and unstructured. Little by little as time goes by and I implement new ways to live life and create a peaceful and structured environment for the kids and I, the particles (or bits of snow) are starting to settle into place. While all of the bits and pieces aren’t exactly settled and where they need to be, many of them are. The water is calm, it is easier to see the pretty ornament (my family goals) on the inside, and I am just dealing with the few stray particles that haven’t quite found their place.

There are still so many days that pass where I feel angry, bitter, sad and lost, but it’s not every hour of every day and I can pull myself out of the storm when I recognize that I am falling into the easier place to be. Easier? Yes, easier. Sometimes it is just easier to be sad or angry, and my therapist says that it makes sense. She said I should be more compassionate towards myself though because she knows I would never be so hard on someone else who would be in my shoes. I’m actively working on pulling myself out of the bad moods and thoughts and sometimes it can be down right exhausting, but it is making some difference. On the days when I don’t realize or even feel like pulling out of that mood, I am working on allowing myself those feelings, without being too hard on myself.