Well, Hello, Lovies! Yeah, I Called You Lovies!

Sheesh! I have not written in a pretty.long.time.

It’s not because I haven’t been busy, no, no, quite the contrary…

I have so many projects on my list that I am pulling together you’d probably get vertigo just walking through the front door of my house.

But truth be told… I haven’t even gotten one completed, yet. They are, however, all started, in the middle of or almost done!

Here is a little run down of what I’ve been working on and hopefully finishing by month’s end, try not to get dizzy…

    • New carpet in the basement
    • Tiling the fireplace surround
    • Painting fireplace
    • Fixing Isaac’s closet (which is now MY closet)
    • Organizing out of season clothing
    • Organizing gift wrap (craft station, anyone)
    • Re-doing my bedroom (completely! yay! I deserve it)
    • Re-doing Isaacs new bedroom (I had to wheel and deal here)
    • Creating a rec room in the basement (that might take til December, but it’s semi-started)
    • Cable for all rooms
    • Remote for cable box
    • Re-hang stuff in downstairs bathrooms
    • Decorate for fall

Yikes… As you can probably guess my house is completely upside down. COMPLETELY.

I still have two refrigerators because I have no one to remove the old one yet. My new family room was is PACKED with my bedroom furniture because (if you follow me on Facebook you already know) I’ve had the upstairs floors re-finished!

Sweeeeet!!!!

I am replacing that with something on my list, maybe seeing fireworks, because looking at those beautiful shiny floors is way better than fireworks! Plus, it was a shit load of work and money so it deserves some recognition! In fact, I am crossing off fireworks because of all of the chaos we’ve endured to do it and I secretly hate the 180 picture I picked that’s been up there for way too long.

I am almost at the half way point in my 365 list.

I gotta tell ya, I never thought that after the year I have had I’d get ever get that many things crossed off. I can’t wait to scratch it off my list and keep doing my best to reach the 3/4 mark.

It’ll take a miracle, but I’m still gonna try!

So, just to prove to you lovies (there’s that word, again!) that I have actually been working and not putzing around like a zombie, here are a few million insane pictures of what my home has gone through in the past three weeks. Prettier and happier pictures to come soon! Happy Tuesday everyone, it’s a beautiful life!

ps… it’s a true miracle I haven’t gone postal, as you can see above.

Score!!!

I put on my list that I wanted to buy an appliance at a great price, but this is soooooo much better.

🙂

My fridge has been on the fritz for a couple of months, working, not working, working, not working, leaking, working, not working, leaking more.

I wanted to wait until it fully zonked out to replace it cause, well I’d rather not spend a lot of money on an appliance. Thank goodness I procratinated long enough cause I got a fancy fridge for free!

yup… free! 

free!

free!

Can you feel the love?!

Yay! Free!

Sure, it’s used, but it’s in great shape and is better than any model I would be willing to fork the cash over for. 

Yay! Now I just need to figure out how to get the old one out of here…

 

A Constant Wish and Clarity

I’ve been stuck, deep in thought this morning over specific conversations I’ve had in the past with the one person in this world who knows me best. We’ve had a ton of arguments over the years and tend to be overly honest with one another, probably due to the longevity of our friendship. Throughout the years I became defensive and outright unreachable when I felt he had overstepped the boundaries or completely crossed the line. Some of our arguments pissed one or both of us off enough to not speak for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. I have felt hurt and betrayed by some of the things has said to me and there have been times he caused me to completely shut down; I often refused to give his words any thought or weight and easily swore to him and myself that he was just trying to hurt and control me.

One of the most painful things he said was that I was living like a battered house wife and would stay in the same spot unless I woke the hell up or ended up severely hurt. I thought the only reason he would say such a mean thing was because he was mad that I wasn’t crumbling at his lines. I proclaimed that I wasn’t battered, that Huz loved me and he had no reason to say such terrible things. We didn’t speak for weeks and when I was throughly convinced that he was insane and spoke with him again we didn’t talk about it much. By then, after I knew how to respond I just blew off any mention of the conversation and stopped crying to him about the problems at home. We finally did talk about it seriously years later though… Once the protective order was in place he offered to sleep on my couch with his gun, just so he would know the kids and I would feel safe. When I refused he tried to insist that we come stay with him, cat and all. I thanked him for the concern, quietly pushed him away and still didn’t fully acknowledge how well he knew me.

Something else he said to me recently was that my medication wasn’t safe and that he didn’t want me to take it because of the horrible side effects. He said I wasn’t mentally stable and throwing the possibility of suicidal tendencies into the mix wasn’t to anyone’s benefit.  I had already confessed to him one night, only a few months before, that I had almost killed myself in March when Huz wouldn’t lay off of me. It was the night before I wrote my Tale of Two Cakey’s post but after the post had gained recognition, I focused on the feeling of success and pushed away the fact that I was so depressed and desperate to get out of the situation I was in that I could do such a thing. I told him I did it just to get Huz to shut up and off of my back during an argument. I tried my best to convince him not to worry about me but knows better. When we were at dinner one night, I accidentally brought up that my pills were making me woozy and he immediately asked me if I was taking the ones he told me not to take. I know he was angry that I didn’t listen to him so I quickly changed the subject, mad at myself for bringing it up. He let it go verbally but the look on his face has since been stuck in my head; it was one of pure concern and disbelief. In my mind, I told myself that he had no idea what he was talking about. He’s a software engineer, not a doctor and surely he was trying to control me. I finally admitted to him two nights ago that he was right, I need to get off of these pills, they are messing with my mind the way he said they would. I tried to ease his mind with my action plans for when such thoughts arise and I promised to wean myself of the pills.

The last thing he “accused” me of was an eating disorder. I swore to him and myself, again, that he was purposely trying to hurt me after he called me underweight and unhealthy. It was a few days after the medication incident, when he brought it up that I had clearly lost more weight since he last saw me the month before when I was already too thin. I convinced myself he said this because I had just told him that I had run into and spoken with Huz for the first time since the incident and we that we were on civil terms. Within minutes he was talking about my weight and for some reason these comments hurt me the worst of all. I felt like he was attacking me and my appearance, my body, of which I felt I had no control. The look on his face from a few nights before when we talked about my choice to take the medications flashed into my mind and I became fully convinced that he was trying to control me, the way Huz had done for so long. I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks. We didn’t talk about it again until I brought it up the other night, when I told him the realization I faced last week.

There have been a million other discussions and fights about things throughout the years. Truthful accusations that I refused to own up to, some things I don’t remember, and some things I don’t want to disclose. And through all of this time, after all of these years, I believed he was trying to hurt me with each of the “mean” things he’d accuse me of. I pushed him away as far as I could over the years, but I suppose I might have only made him stronger. He is the only one who knows me so well, inside and out, the good and all of the bad. He’s tried so hard to help me all along and never flinched once when I tried to push him away. He has stuck by me in a way no one else could have and I finally see that it’s because he cares and hoped that eventually I’d come to grips with the sad truths I so hated to hear.

I concider myself lucky to have that kind of friend; everyone should be so lucky. I’m grateful for him being around for all of these years, listening to me go back and forth. Listening to me cry in pain and heartache, taking all of my insanity and anger that I projected onto him. Even after I accused him of so many terrible things throughout the years, and outright and openly never trusted him or his intentions. He never gave up on me, even when I made it such an easy thing to do. He could have easily thrown his hands to the sky and left me to my misery, but he never did, not for long anyhow. I really wish I would have listened to what he was really telling me during all of this time. I really wish I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a stubborn wreck and for not trusting him. I really wish that I could explain to him that I have finally realized his unconditional love and thank him for it because it’s so much better than I ever wished it to be.

Getting Lost, Getting Screamed At, Getting the Goods

I am not a newbie at getting lost, in fact, I consider myself the professional. Before I finally broke down and bought myself a GPS, I somehow found myself on back roads leading to nowhere almost weekly. I sure have found a lot of shortcuts.

I am pretty good at finding my way around the burbs now, after being lost so many times, I tend to know where I am because at one time or another I didn’t know where I was. Unfortunately, for the kids and I, last week, we I turned a 20 minute trip to the mall into a 2 hour-long misadventure. Are you wondering why I didn’t use my GPS? Yeah, I tried… It doesn’t recognize roads named “Route 38.”

It was really helpful when it started to rain and after an hour had passed Isaac turned into the devil and started singing some obnoxious song over and over.

We are lost, we can’t find our way. We are lost, Mom won’t ask for directions. We are lost, We are loooooosssssssttt.

Me screaming at him to shut the hell up was pleasant, too. In fact, it was so pleasant that it made him feel like he had to sing it 35 more times at the top of his lungs. I was pissed and just got  lost more.

side note: Hours later, our therapist, for some reason, thought the re-telling of the story was a hoot. Yeah, once his gaze met my look of death he quickly moved on to another topic. I suppose it is kind of funny now that I am looking back on it, but it’s almost a week later and I still only think it’s kind of funny.

Anyway, once we finally found the mall after getting the second set of directions I did some breathing and tried to put the hellish trip behind me.  Natalie shopped without incident, her and I hit up VS and bought fun new under things, Isaac searched around and tried to shop but came back to me furious that the mall didn’t have an Abercrombie store.

Here we go, now he was in a mood, I steered him into Zoomies, which was his favorite store last year but he wasn’t happy, “THAT WAS LAST YEAR!” Finally, after Natalie found what she liked and we paid, he decided he would try on some jeans but then resorted to cursing me out when I told him to pull his pants up over his butt and they would fit him better.

Don’t you know, the cool kids wear their pants to show off their boxers?

I was embarrassed and livid, so I just left him there and refused to speak to him for some time. Natalie and I wandered into Lush and I got my red lip stain as Isaac worked out his issues in the common area. While we were leaving we stopped at Auntie Ann’s and got some pretzels. I shouldn’t have gotten the boy one, because of the stunt he pulled, but I did. No worries, karma got the best of him and he dropped his pretzel on the ground. He was furious again and stormed off. Natalie picked up his mess and I just ignored him again while getting my coffee. Ignoring him seemed to work because he snapped out of his bratty mood and didn’t give me a hard time on the way home. Which only took 20 minutes and showed me where I made my error, so I won’t make that mistake again, thank you, very much!

Now for the good that came out of the trip… I love the lip stain! If you haven’t tried LUSH products before you should check them out. There has never been a product of theirs that I was disappointed with and I have tried a lot of them. This lip scrub and stain are my new favorites! They make my lips sooooo smooth and tasty and leave a flushed reddish-pink color on my lips. Natalie loves it too and it’s not at all overwhelming on her, so I share.

 Having kissable lips makes me feel super sexy, too… Whether I have someone to kiss or not! Navel rings and lip stain, ohh la la where did this girl come from? I’m pretty sure I can get into this evolving me.

 

Don’t Watch This if You’re Squeemish and A Real Life Confession

When I was going through my process of losing weight last year I set myself up with a goal and a reward. The deal I made with myself was that once I reached 125 I could get my navel pierced (so 1990’s, I know, sexy none the less) but when I did drop down to 125 I still was feeling the fat-girl mentality and wasn’t satisfied that I had lost enough weight. I didn’t get the piercing but planned to do it still, once I was feeling good about my body.

In the months following the 125 milestone I lost more weight and joined a gym. The elliptical machine was my heaven. I actually refered to it as my “lover” because of how great it made me feel and how fantastic it was making my body look. I was at the gym religiously every day for months, only taking one day, at the very most two, off each week. I was capable of staying on that machine for an hour each day and worked my resistance level between an 8 and a 20, doing intervals of 30 seconds and 2 minutes. You could not pinch a centimeter of my skin, not anywhere on my body. I looked and felt fantastic.

Although I was still well within my healthy weight range, people weren’t used to me looking so thin. I was all muscle and that made me look much leaner than I actually was. Almost everyday people asked me if I was anorexic, I was too thin and looked unhealthy. It made me so angry, here I was, in the best shape of my life, in control of my body and people thought I was starving myself. This gave me a body complex of another kind and I still didn’t want to get my piercing.

Now that I haven’t worked out in almost a year I have little to no muscle mass. I feel fat again, I haven’t gained any weight, but my skin is far from tight. I miss my lover. Oh, how I hope one day we will reunite.

What’s funny is people sometimes still ask me if I am anorexic and I still take offence. After having a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday morning and a long freestyle therapy session with my close friend and neighbor I finally admitted out loud to her, and myself, that I do have an eating disorder. It was something I had to really come to grips with. I didn’t even realize that I really had a problem until she flat-out asked me if I was eating. I just cried out “NO” without a thought. My mind was forcing me to be more honest than I was for so long. I wasn’t hiding anything out of shame or anything, I just didn’t recognize that I had yet another issue. It’s been a very long cycle of me going for days where I don’t eat anything, not on purpose, I don’t even realize it’s happening, to be honest. Then when I finally realize how hungry I am I will binge eat anything I can get my hands on and the cycle starts again.

Anyway, what this has to do with me getting my navel pierced… I kept putting it off because I didn’t like my body. Now that my health has changed I hate my body, but finally, it’s not about the way it looks, it’s about how it feels. I thought it was time to give myself my reward because it’s long overdue and I am proud of myself for finally recognizing what I have been doing to my body for so long. I bet once I get my body nourished and take control of this aspect of my life again I will feel much better. I’ve decided that I’m going back to Weight Watchers, not to lose weight, but to remember how to eat, daily, healthy. It’s just going to be another tool in my rather large-sized toolbox I am lucky to have to get my life in control.

My neighbor said, “pay attention to the moment. Not the past you, not the future you, just the present you.” These past few years, and especially this one, I’ve been looking back and forward and neglecting the now. I need to focus on NOW or nothing will get any better. Now is the time. She told me to ask myself when I feel like I am losing my mind, or doing something without knowing why, to center myself in the now. Ask myself how I feel, ask myself if I’ve eaten, ask myself, what I can do to make my life better NOW. If it isn’t going to make me feel better or move me in a positive direction, not to do it. I felt good on that table, last night, and today I think that piercing is more symbolic than I thought it would be. Yeah, I lost weight, that was great, but admitting that I had yet another serious flaw, that took courage, and now I have a lovely reminder.

As I laid on the table to get my piercing I asked my self how I felt. I felt really good. I ate 2 meals that day, I was in the company of one of my dearest friends and I felt the weight of the morning completely gone.  Sometimes people need help with some things. I don’t like to be needy and ask for help but I am really proud to say that I’ve asked loud and clear to multiple people who are all helping me get this life of mine and ours in control and functioning in a healthy and happy way. I have a lot of issues, a lot. Admitting that they were there and real, was really hard to come to grips with but I think I finally know where I stand. I’m a wreck, but I’m not going to be for too long.

And now I have a sexy tummy, one that will get fed everyday.