Understanding Vunerability

I’ve been terrible with the blogging lately.

I’ve taken a break from the home projects, my body forced me to and my bank account backed it up. I don’t mind taking a break but I am disappointed that I never did finish my bedroom. Good things come in time though and these days it feels like all I have is time, which is nice. I lost the vision of what I wanted from my room, but I suppose that means my original vision didn’t feel quite right.

The floors did get redone and they look beautiful but I’m still working on the carpet for the basement, which has proved much harder than I anticipated, such is life.

I know my posts have lacked heart lately and I feel awfully guilty for it. I’ll write something truly honest soon enough, I just didn’t know where to start so I figured I’d get this bit out-of-the-way.

There is a lot going on in my life, home, heart and head now and the place I’ve found most comfortable is doubting that I ever really knew what love was. Perhaps everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. I haven’t doubted love much ever and I truly believed I had found it three times. Looking back though, I think that through all the years of my life I was just desperate to find it and therefore created it when it felt as if it would work.

I am not that silly girl anymore.

I now understand how vulnerable I really am presently and can’t help but replay the words of what a kind reader warned me of some time ago about falling into misguided arms. He was right but I had to learn it for myself, more than once. Through what I know to be kind intentions, I now know that I have been slightly taken advantage of in some sense or another by a few but don’t believe any of the circumstances to have been malicious intent.

So to make things simple for myself (and others) I’m going into lock down. No dates, no men, no boys; I no longer believe in love and refuse to entertain such thoughts. I’ll be focusing on reconnecting with the me that I lost somehow years ago. The girl who all the boys would love to know but could never get quite close enough. If you are directly effected by this, I am sorry, but it’s what I need to do.  And I do feel so safe… Isn’t that what really counts?

Before I move forward through my journey though, here is a picture of a manicure I gave myself with funky nail colors that I chose in celebration of a date that was quite exciting to the vulnerable me. I went to an Eagles game with Mr. Picnic and painted the team colors on my nails, in an effort to cross two things off my list of course and to be “spirited.”

I’ll be back to write more soon…

Still a Skinny Minnie

Well, I realized a few days late that I met my goal of staying under 125 for a year. When I reached the goal last year, I can’t even begin to tell you how proud of myself I was. I had been working on losing weight for almost a year when I reached this weight. I had started on my own in November of 2009 but didn’t really start to melt away until I joined Weight Watchers in May of 2010.

I cannot tell you how easy and life changing their program is. I know a few of you lovies are in the program and are seeing the same results that I did. It really is wonderful and if you have ever considered joining I would strongly urge you to do so.

So this post is to mark a year of keeping my weight under 125. I have to say that losing the weight was the easy part for me at first. Once I lost every last pound I felt lost. With losing the weight there are rewards along the way, milestones and the feeling of pride and accomplishment. Maintaining the loss is a bit trickier though, you don’t feel a loss victory each week when you weigh in, instead you try to keep the balance. It’s easy to become frustrated and confused and hard to know when to stop with the losing weight mentality.

Looking back though, being able to say that after a full year, I still fit in my 13-year-old daughters clothes is the real reward.

I really kept it off and I am going to keep this as a revolving yearly goal. While I am really proud of myself, I owe it all to Weight Watchers as their program changed  my life tremendously.

Looking back, now that this year has passed, I realized that reaching 125 was the springboard for my confidence that I would need just before just about everything here fell apart. I didn’t realize how much getting through the process would change me as a person. It was surely an added bonus!

Now go eat some veggies and fruit 🙂