She Forgot to Mention One Little Thing

My daughter “HATES” Christmas music. She’s been saying this for over two years now but could never give me a reason. I don’t believe that she really hates it, maybe it annoys her, but hate! That’s a pretty strong feeling to have against Frosty.

We tease her about it occasionally, but this morning we decided to take it up a notch:

  • Every time we walked by her, or were in hearing range, we’d “accidentally” sing a Christmas song.
  • We determined that El wanted to listen to (rather loud) Chipmunks singing Rocking Around the Christmas Tree while he was in his bouncer. He loved it. She did not.
  • We thought it would be fun to play more Christmas songs — after making sure the music could be heard from where she was sitting downstairs.
  • We told her we were thinking of installing a whole house stereo system.
  • My favorite part of the morning was when I found all the Christmas songs she used to love as a little kid on You Tube, then posted them on her Facebook page.

She loves us. And I know she secretly still loves Christmas music. Or, maybe I’m just really evil.

“They get stuck in my head all day,” she explained this evening.

She’s probably laying in bed now, counting reindeer, trying to fall asleep. I should go sing her a lullaby..

He Says this Song is Mine

 

Foster the People – Waste

I’ll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
When the monsters they wont go,
The windows, they wont close,
I’ll pretend to see what you see

How long, I say how long, will you re-live the things that are gone?
The devil’s on your back but I know you can shake him off

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I’ll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren’t used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers than you’d escape with me

But in the meantime I’ll just wait here and listen to you when you speak, or scream

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I’ll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I’ll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

ūüôā

Change is Inevitable

Life changes. Sometimes faster than a blink of the eyes.

Other times it is gradual, twisting and turning through the years.

Regardless of the time… Life changes.

People change.
I’ve changed

and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking.
Wishing.
Dreaming of my life that would be.

Since I was a child
as a teen
as a pretend adult.

And then when life got real.

I’ve wanted big things.
Happy days
Loving nights

And over the years, I’ve lived (my moments)
only to quickly dream up the next

Today though, I am just happy to be me.

Happy in my skin,
happy in my reflection
happy in my thoughts of now.

I can’t begin to tell you how genuinely happy I truly am.
In this moment.

With myself,
with my children,
with my family and with my friends.

I am happy.

Big things
happy days
loving nights
they are happening for me,

with me
around me.
Right now.

I’m not daydreaming.
This is real.

I am in control of my life and it feels wonderful!

The edges aren’t so sharp
I’ve let go of the pain
I feel fantastic and I let these feelings go

I can’t say that I’m sorry I haven’t written
I’ve needed some time to focus on me;
it’s done wonders.

I’m back though…
I’ve never felt more alive

ūüôā

Yin and Yang

Since posting my “Something that makes you sad” picture earlier today, I’ve thought a lot about how it is that I really feel. It is true that I do feel sad a lot, but for the most part I don’t let it overtake me as I have in the past. I think there is a lot to be said about not feeling as sad as I used to.

To be honest, I am actually pretty happy with who I have become so far. I think a part of me will always be sad but I’m not sure that is abnormal. Life doesn’t always work out how we imagine it should, but what I understand now is that wallowing in disappointments isn’t going to change a thing. I used to feed into my sadness. Harp on it. Dwell in it. Let it consume me and allow it to grow. Ultimately I let my emotional pain hold me back. It felt safe.

I’ve dealt with a lot of losses in the past year. Many decisions I have put off making for years were suddenly made for me. While they weren’t fun to experience, I realize every change I’ve met has been necessary. Painful to go through? You bet. But in the end, these losses are allowing me to restructure my life in a way that I’ve been too afraid to go after any time before.

I used to think that¬†the ability to not give up on a relationship was a great quality I possessed. I see now that my determination was only a mask for fear. I fear change, failure, risk, and the unknown. Life is forcing me to face my fears now, and though sometimes it is painful and scary, it is also kind of exciting. Letting go of that security blanket which I’ve held onto tightly for so long feels almost freeing.

I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I know that I no longer want to hide my head in the sand when conflict arises. I don’t want to be who I was before.¬†I still have my bad days, when things don’t go the way I expect them to, but how I deal with disappointments now will prepare me for the future.

And while that picture of my fake smile made me sad  this morning, the sadness for today has passed. Now I can admit that there are so many other things about myself, and my life, that truly make me happy.

My Friend Fibro

Fibromyalgia isn’t normally a word that I would associate with friendship; in fact, on most days I’d more accurately compare the disease with the devil. Having Fibromyalgia means a lot of things for the way I live my life; it mostly brings me crushing pain, awkward movement, sloth-like energy, severe depression and major bouts of anxiety.

It’s easy to wallow in the negative when you have a chronic disease that doesn’t offer any hope for the days ahead. I often find myself doing just that: pining for better days, remembering who I was before, dreading the 40 years that taunt me from the future. Fibromyalgia can easily become an epic sized pity party if I am so inclined; no planning, organizing or guests involved.

What I am coming to realize about Fibromyalgia though is that it has forced me to take a long, hard, and honest look at my life and reinvent the aspects that weren’t satisfactory.

I no longer live with a man who made his family feel terrible and worthless about themselves. I no longer drive 2 hours a day, to and from a job I felt no passion for. I no longer pretend that my kids will eventually just be alright or that all the aggravation in life would suddenly disappear. My days aren’t filled with overwhelming stress and my nights are no longer spent in fear.

Fibromyalgia has forced me the opportunity to slow down and appreciate all in life that really matters. For all that Fibro has taken away from me, it has in return provided me with a unmeasurable amount of insight and strength. Fibro has thrown in my face all of what was wrong in my world and gifted me with the courage to make it right.

The knowledge I have of myself is now incredible and there is an undeniable joy felt in discovering who I am as an individual. My growing confidence as a parent has a wonderful effect on my kids and the home environment, our¬†relationships have flourished and I no longer carry around a deep guilt that I might be failing them.¬†I am now able to pursue my life long dream of becoming a writer and for the first time in my life I am in love with what I do. I have a fresh perspective on the world and enjoy the beautiful things that money can’t buy like the sunshine, the feeling of comfort and the sounds of genuine laughter.

Living with Fibromyalgia means wearing the heaviest of armor in an exhausting uphill battle. I am thankful for the ability to look back on all the excessive¬†weapons I’ve already left behind. This renews my strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue climbing to the top. I feel certain that if I hadn’t acquired this disease I’d still be collecting and carrying weapons, just chugging along, and blindly losing the more defeating and terribly damaging battle that once was¬†my way of life.

A Fond Farewell to My List of 365 Resolutions

I probably should have posted this yesterday but I was very busy reflecting on 2011 and despite it being the worst year of my life, on the last day of the year, I came to the conclusion that I feel really good about everything I have accomplished.¬†No, I didn’t cross off¬†all of my resolutions but I did get pretty. dang. far.

In fact, I got through more than half of 365 Resolutions I set out to do!

Am I disappointed that I didn’t cross them all off?¬†Hell no! I am superproud of what I have done. With that being said, I am crossing off one final resolution from the list:

Be Proud of an Accomplishment

And with that, I am putting the list to rest. Peace!

I’ve decided not to create a new list, mainly because I think I jinxed myself (yes, I really think that) and also because I think it has fully served it’s purpose. I blogged for a year, I dedicated myself and made it through my first full year of being a writer. ¬†The list honestly got me through many of the worst days of my life by giving me something to focus on instead of caving into the pain, heartache, confusion and fear I’d been¬†consumed with for the better part of the year. But I feel it is time to evolve and leave the past where it belongs.

Of course, I can’t abandon resolutions entirely so I thought long and hard about what would benefit me the most in 2012. This year I have only one¬†resolution, one that I will focus on with all of my heart and soul. I am putting my faith in myself and hope to help as many people in the blog world as I possibly can.

My Resolution for 2012 is to build my self-esteem to the fullest.

Yup, you heard me right! I want to love myself and appreciate my worth. Is there is anyone in the world who doesn’t want that for themselves?

I’ll still be cooking, baking, project messing up creating, working on improving my physical and mental health and writing about life in suburbia. I just really hope to truly discover myself, realize and revel in my strengths, and work hard to repair my weaknesses this year through writing. I am determined to find the love I have searched so long for, but instead of looking to outside sources I am going to look inside of myself.

I hope you will read along during my pursuit of happiness and not only learn a thing or two about self-appreciation and self-love but also share with me and our fellow blogging friends your own personal experiences. I’d love to have guest bloggers this year, so don’t be surprised when you receive an email from me requesting some advice. I have some of the kindest, wonderfully talented and lovely readers in the blogosphere and I know that I wouldn’t feel as strong as I do today if it weren’t for all of you; I want to give that back to anyone who can use it and I hope somehow this small little blog will be able to serve that purpose.

Now wrap your arms around yourselves, give a great big hug and say I love you; I just did, and it felt great!

Happy New Year and thank you all so very much for being a part of my life!

Cheers!

Another Step Closer

I worked on two projects last weekend; they were rather small projects but ones that are delivering big results in way of usefullness.

First up… Organize my dressers junk drawer:

Organize a drawer?? How can that be concidered a project? Well, have a look at what I removed from a very small drawer and you will see exactly how this can be a project…

I have no shame..

¬†This drawer hasn’t been cleaned out in a long time.

Three or four years long, but hey, I admit my flaws!

Okay, maybe not EVERY. SINGLE. THING. was in there, but you get the idea… Waaaay¬†too much stuff for one little drawer. Nothing like a jam packed drawer filled with so much that you can’t open it, let alone find what you are looking for to create uneccasary aggravation, right?!

I was completely overwhelmed by the clutter that was on top of my dresser after I emptied the drawer that I honestly wanted to just shove it all back in there and be done with it.

Instead, I bravely took my time and delt with it properly. It seriously took a bunch of little splurts over 3 days (so I wouldn’t have an anxiety attack) to sort everything, fill up a small trash can, untangle 3,000 necklaces and organize it all.

Perhaps something so trival stressing me out is strange, but it’s true.

Luckily, I had extra drawer space since getting rid of Huz’s crap¬†belongings to put all of my things neatly into. ūüôā

Here is what all of the keepable stuff looks like now that is neatly tucked away among three drawers…

Jewery drawer.. Still need a better solution but it works for now

Make Up Drawer... Every girl should have one!

Sewing kit & Sunglasses... No sence here but it's not clutter :)

That bottom drawer is empty! Yee haw! Now I need to go buy stuff to put in it! Just Kidding!

Oooh! Did you notice that empty drawer up there?! FANCY! I haven’t decided what to do with yet, but that’s just fine by me ūüôā

Naturally, I am still not satisfied and now want to put pretty scented liner in the drawers. Also, Ikea has affordable drawer organizers I’d like to get¬†but I also want to buy shelves for another project and don’t have the funds so I am staying away from there for a while ¬†to make the drawers even better. For now though, since it’s organized, I am satisfied and crossing it off of the list!

Moving on to the bigger,¬†much less time consuming and stress inducing¬†project… ¬†Lamps for my dresser:

When I put my list together, almost a year ago, I had writen on it that I wanted to buy lamps for my dresser. I know a lot of women have a ton of lamps in their home and I always wanted to be that kind of girl, but lamps (along with curtains) have always intimidated me.

First of all, they are expensive. Like, they can be really expensive and with the way I change my mind about what I think works in a room I could never justify shelling out a ton of cash that I don’t have for something that I might not feel happy with. I also have issues commiting to something staying in one spot for a hundred years. Add to that the fact that anything breakable in this home will eventually be broken (Murphy’s Law… aka Isaac) I really didn’t want to couldn’t spend a lot of dough.

My bedroom, in the meantime, has been screaming at me desperately for better lighting. Like each of the other rooms in our home there is a ceiling light fan (I know HGTV is against these with fury but this is real life here.) I love my ceiling fans, they make life easy, simply flipping up a switch and being able to see instead of stumbling around and potentially breaking an ankle  finding a lamp to turn on is a great thing! Also, air circulation and a lovely relaxing breeze while you are sleeping are wonderful things.

While overhead lighting is always a good thing in general, when it comes to reading, mood lighting, and say.. applying makeup, ceiling lights just aren’t bright enough.

So into the world of lamps I reluctantly dove, but not without first making things a wee bit difficult. How can one turn buying lamps into a complication? With stipulations. Of course!

I have a fairly large dresser and could eaisly put two lamps on it, but I really don’t care much for clutter and two big lamps would make the dresser feel crowded plus they’d hog up the mirror and I wasn’t too interested in doing that. This brought me to check out wall scones (I believe that’s what they are called) ¬†but¬†because of my fear of commitment and the firewall that my dresser is up against there was¬†no way to install hardwired lamps.

Lamps would totally clog this dresser up...

I happily discovered that they make plug in lamps for the walls and they can look nice, so my search began. Unfortunatly, the selection isn’t all that big for such. Pottery Barn certainly has a beautiful selection of these lamps but they come with a hefty price tag.

I almost splurged a few times but in the end decided that paying my electric, gas, water and cable bill for the month was the more mature gosh, I hate being an adult descision.

So, for affordable lamps I searched. And searched.

While on my most recent trip to Home Depot I finally lucked out and found the perfect plug in wall lamp sconey things for my budget. They matched my new celing fan and switch plates¬†that I had installed two months ago and they were affordable so I scooped up a pair. I even felt confident enough with my “savings” that I bought an area rug for my room and a runner for the hallway and still spend less than if I had splurged on the Pottery Barn lamps!

Hanging the lamps up weren’t all that difficult. I used my Better Homes and Gardens “New Decorating Book” to determine the placement of the lamps and measured and marked the walls with a tape measurer and a level with confidence. ¬†In the spirit of how my projects go, of course, getting the fasteners in the wall turned a bit disasterous for a few moments but in the end the lamps are even (and I think¬†secure) on either side of my dressers mirror.

Finished projects

Let there be light! It’s so great to be able to put on makeup without traveling from mirror to mirror in search of good light! Yippee! I think they look pretty nice and for the price of $50 each I love them!

My room is still far from being finished but that’s okay, it will get there and it gives me things to look forward to!¬†

 

Score!!!

I put on my list that I wanted to buy an appliance at a great price, but this is soooooo much better.

ūüôā

My fridge has been on the fritz for a couple of months, working, not working, working, not working, leaking, working, not working, leaking more.

I wanted to wait until it fully zonked out to replace it cause, well I’d rather not spend a lot of money on an appliance. Thank goodness I procratinated long enough cause I got a fancy fridge for free!

yup… free!¬†

free!

free!

Can you feel the love?!

Yay! Free!

Sure, it’s used, but it’s in great shape and is better than any model I would be willing to fork the cash over for.¬†

Yay! Now I just need to figure out how to get the old one out of here…

 

A Constant Wish and Clarity

I’ve been stuck, deep in thought this morning over specific conversations I’ve had in the past with the one person in this world who knows me best. We’ve had a ton of arguments over the years and tend to be overly honest with one another, probably due to the longevity of our friendship. Throughout the years I became defensive and outright unreachable when I felt he had overstepped the boundaries or completely crossed the line. Some of our arguments pissed one or both of us off enough to not speak for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. I have felt hurt and betrayed by some of the things has said to me and there have been times he caused me to completely shut down; I often refused to give his words any thought or weight and easily swore to him and myself that he was just trying to hurt and control me.

One of the most painful things he said was that I was living like a battered house wife and would stay in the same spot unless I woke the hell up or ended up severely hurt. I thought the only reason he would say such a mean thing was because he was mad that I wasn’t crumbling at his lines. I proclaimed that I wasn’t battered, that Huz loved me and he had no reason to say such terrible things. We didn’t speak for weeks and when I was throughly convinced that he was insane and spoke with him again we didn’t talk about it much. By then, after I knew how to respond I just blew off any mention of the conversation and stopped crying to him about the problems at home. We finally did talk about it seriously years later though… Once the protective order was in place he offered to sleep on my couch with his gun, just so he would know the kids and I would feel safe. When I refused he tried to insist that we come stay with him, cat and all. I thanked him for the concern, quietly pushed him away and still didn’t fully acknowledge how well he knew me.

Something else he said to me recently was that my medication wasn’t safe and that he didn’t want me to take it because of the horrible side effects. He said I wasn’t mentally stable and throwing the possibility of suicidal tendencies into the mix wasn’t to anyone’s benefit. ¬†I had already confessed to him one night, only a few months before, that I had almost killed myself in March when Huz wouldn’t lay off of me. It was the night before I wrote my Tale of Two Cakey’s post but after the post had gained recognition, I focused on the feeling of success and pushed away the fact that I was so depressed and desperate to get out of the situation I was in that I could do such a thing. I told him I did it just to get Huz to shut up and off of my back during an argument. I tried my best to convince him not to worry about me but knows better.¬†When we were at dinner one night, I accidentally brought up that my pills were making me woozy and he immediately asked me if I was taking the ones he told me not to take. I know he was angry that I didn’t listen to him so I quickly changed the subject, mad at myself for bringing it up. He let it go verbally but the look on his face has since been stuck in my head; it was one of pure concern and disbelief. In my mind, I told myself that he had no idea what he was talking about. He’s a software engineer, not a doctor and surely he was trying to control me. I finally admitted to him two nights ago that he was right, I need to get off of these pills, they are messing with my mind the way he said they would. I tried to ease his mind with my action plans for when such thoughts arise and I promised to wean myself of the pills.

The last thing he “accused” me of was an eating disorder. I swore to him and myself, again, that he was purposely trying to hurt me after he called me underweight and unhealthy. It was a few days after the medication incident, when he brought it up that I had clearly lost more weight since he last saw me the month before when I was already too thin.¬†I convinced myself he said this because I had just told him that I had run into and spoken with Huz for the first time since the incident and we that we were on civil terms. Within minutes he was talking about my weight and for some reason these comments hurt me the worst of all. I felt like he was attacking me and my appearance, my body, of which I felt I had no control. The look on his face from a few nights before when we talked about my choice to take the medications flashed into my mind and I became fully convinced that he was trying to control me, the way Huz had done for so long. I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks. We didn’t talk about it again until I brought it up the other night, when I told him the realization I faced last week.

There have been a million other discussions and fights about things throughout the years. Truthful accusations that I refused to own up to, some things I don’t remember, and some things I don’t want to disclose. And through all of this time, after all of these years, I believed he was trying to hurt me with each of the “mean” things he’d accuse me of. I pushed him away as far as I could over the years, but I suppose I might have only made him stronger. He is the only one who knows me so well, inside and out, the good and all of the bad. He’s tried so hard to help me all along and never flinched once when I tried to push him away. He has stuck by me in a way no one else could have and I finally see that it’s because he cares and hoped that eventually I’d come to grips with the sad truths I so hated to hear.

I concider myself lucky to have that kind of friend; everyone should be so lucky. I’m grateful for him being around for all of these years, listening to me go back and forth. Listening to me cry in pain and heartache, taking all of my insanity and anger that I projected onto him. Even after I accused him of so many terrible things throughout the years, and outright and openly never trusted him or his intentions. He never gave up on me, even when I made it such an easy thing to do. He could have easily thrown his hands to the sky and left me to my misery, but he never did, not for long anyhow. I really wish I would have listened to what he was really telling me during all of this time. I really wish I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a stubborn wreck and for not trusting him. I really wish that I could explain to him that I have finally realized his unconditional love and thank him for it because it’s so much better than I ever wished it to be.