Seasons Greetings

hey ya’ll, it’s been a long time.

literally a long time.

i was writing for a few years on another site but it was really all too personal to share here.

things have been tough.

they’ve been bad,

then good

then worse

and then better

and now they kinda aren’t good but they certainly aren’t terrible.

i need to win the lottery..

anyone else?

ever feel like you suck at life?

i mean, do your ever really wonder..

What is the point?

one of my favorite words that my man says is fasicious.

does that make him a faciest?

Snowy Day Rambling

snow storm

It looks like we are going to have another snow storm here today on the east coast. Our first snowfall was this past Sunday, and it was a lot more than just the dusting to an inch the weather people predicted. Some parts of our area ended up with 11 inches. That’s a big difference. For today they are estimating up to six inches, but because it is so cold here and because they think ice will come at the end of this storm people are taking this warning a little more seriously. The schools closed even though the snow hasn’t started to fall yet. Are they overreacting this time? Probably not, but who knows. Only time will tell how bad it really gets. I’m happy for the people who have been told not to report to work or school, but I am kind of dreading being stuck in the house with bored teens and BF who needs to get a lot of work done from home.

snow storm

I suppose I can bake cookies with Natalie and encourage Isaac to go shovel sidewalks and driveways. He usually makes out very well making money in these situations. He shoveled two houses on Sunday and made $35. We can also decorate for Christmas and watch some holiday movies. I hope they don’t bicker. BF brought home a tree on Saturday and it’s nice. It’s the kind with long soft needles, I’m sorry I don’t know the name. The only types of trees I know by name are Blue Spruce and Douglas Fir, which I don’t believe either is the type we have. It’s not a huge tree, like the one I had a few years ago, but it fits in the house perfectly. It’s about seven feet tall and maybe three feet wide at the bottom. A nice size, with nice needles, though it isn’t very fragrant.

snow storm

This past weekend I had great luck making chicken noodle soup. I have struggled with making a good batch of it for years now and while my attempts have gotten better over the years, none have been impressive. This time it was. Oh my, it is good! I referenced two recipes and then winged it. It really was good, everyone else agreed and I just hope I will remember what I did the next time I want to make it. I suppose I should write it down.

snow storm

I’m a bit upset about one thing that happened this weekend. We recently ordered six place settings of Fiesta dishes because they were on sale for $23.99 at Macy’s. Usually they are $54.99 a setting and I have been longing for these colorful dishes for years and years so BF was a sweetheart and ordered them. We received one shipment of five sets and were waiting for the last setting to come in for a week. It was the setting in my favorite color, turquoise and it was supposed to arrive on Saturday via Fed-Ex. When BF asked if the plates came I said no and that I was disappointed. He went on-line to check the status and it said that they were delivered at 6:30 pm the day before!! They weren’t delivered here, so who has my plates and why would they be such jerks to keep them?! I’m so sad. I would never keep someone else’s package! Of course I called Fed-Ex straight away but they said they would call me back yesterday or today but I haven’t heard anything yet. BF said we won’t get them, Fed-Ex will just say they were delivered and we have to take a loss. How is that okay? It just isn’t fair, but I suppose life often isn’t. At least it wasn’t the shipment of five right? Sigh. Now the dishes aren’t on sale any more either and I’m not paying $55 for something I’ve already paid $24 for.

snow storm

Elliot turned six months old yesterday and as I suspected it flew by. I never knew just how fast time moved until I had kids. Now that I know this time around I am enjoying every moment as best as I can but it still goes by too fast. I suppose I have it in my mind that he will be my last baby, even though we’ve talked about trying for one more when El is two, but nothing is certain. I had an IUD inserted a few months ago so there won’t be any accidents and I have to say it sure puts my mind at ease. Not that I don’t want another, I’m not sure how I feel about that for certain yet, but I definitely don’t want another right now! Natalie and Isaac are only 15 months apart and for the life of me I don’t know how I did it. I also feel bad that Natalie didn’t get much time to be an only child. Isaac has always hogged most of the attention and it would have been nice for her to have me all to herself for a longer amount of time. It was nice that they were so close in age and were best friends for so many years, but then they constantly bickered for many years after that. At this point they are somewhere in the middle. They don’t fight too often anymore and treat each other pretty decently, but I think that has a lot to do with the changes to our lives, more than them growing up or what have you.

snow storm

Fibromyalgia
I haven’t written about Fibromyalgia since I started blogging again and I suppose that was because I just want it to go away. If I don’t pay it much mind it doesn’t bother me as much as if it does when I focus on the pain. Ah, but the pain is sill here, every day, some days worse than others. My pregnancy was horrible. My OBGYN told me that it shouldn’t be effected either way, good or bad, and I had read about a few people who actually went into remission during pregnancy. I was so hopeful, but alas, that wasn’t the case for me. I was in a 9 month flair and because I was pregnant I stopped taking all medications, except for Tylenol when I absolutely couldn’t stand it anymore. After I had Elliot though I had about three weeks of remission. I can’t even begin to tell you what it felt like to feel normal again. I foolishly thought I was cured and cried so hard when I flared again for the first time, not so much because of pain, but more because it was back. Suck it up buttercup. It is what it is. I am grateful for the three weeks I had of absolutely no pain and it gives me hope that my future holds more times like that. I’m still not on any medications but I take a plethora of vitamins when I remember. BF did a lot of research and ordered me Omega 3,6,9, Magnesium, Vitamin D, Seaweed extract. I also take prenatals and have been given iron because I have anemia. I think if I actually took everything everyday it would be beneficial, but there is something about swallowing a whole meals worth of pills that irks me, so I avoid it unless I am really feeling horrible.

snow storm

Insomnia
My insomnia has come back and I wake up multiple times a night. This used to really bother me but now I just roll with it. When I wake up at three now I give myself an hour and if I am not able to fall back asleep I just get up. When I was pregnant I really suffered the worst. I had to stop taking my Kolonzipan immediately and it took a few months to find something that worked and was okay per my OBGYN. Believe it or not Unisom helped the best, but I can’t take it now because I’m afraid I’ll sleep through the baby waking up to nurse.

snow storm

Depression
My depression never went away and because I stopped my antidepressants when I found out I was pregnant, it was pretty rough for a while. I knew it would be a challenging time though, and I reminded myself on a daily basis that I would get through it. There was great concern about postpartum depression becoming an issue, so I worked closely with doctors and nurses regarding after care. I am still not on medication, and some days are worse than others, but overall I’m doing well. Once I am finished breastfeeding I will decide if I need to go back on medication. I think I will because it was helping a lot, but I also have been doing alright without it. I guess I’ll have to see what my therapist says. Speaking of which, I need to go back to therapy, I haven’t gone in quite some time and feel I’ll benefit from regular meetings again. The trouble is finding one that I like. The woman I used to meet with isn’t where she used to be and I didn’t feel the same way about the lady that took over for her. She was nice enough, I think I just wanted my other therapist back and couldn’t open up to someone new all over again. I suppose I’ll have to do that at some point, and hopefully it won’t be so hard this time around.

Well, it’s snowing hard and our house is hustling and bustling with activity so, I will wrap this up. There was no real point to this post, just a lot of things on my mind that I wanted to write about. I hope everyone will enjoy your day, whether it’s a snow day for you or not.

It’s Been Some Sort of Time

If you asked me what I’ve been up to, I suppose I’d say I’ve been getting stronger. And that’s the truth. I haven’t touched a camera in months, I haven’t collapsed and died, nor have I wanted to. I’ve been working hard, picking up the pieces, collecting new and moving along at an earth shattering speed. Well, for me at least.

I’m still waiting for the perfect job to come my way, but slowly realizing that it won’t just knock on my door. I haven’t written in God knows how long. I haven’t given up on my dreams. I’ve been absorbed in them, soaked to the bone. Huz still tries to bully me around, he knows I have a new man and tries to make me feel like shit about it. He told me he missed me. My therapist said he misses being able to control me. I know she is right.

I told him for a long time what I needed from him, he told me I was crazy and unrealistic. He said I’d never be happy.

He was wrong.

I’m in threat of losing my home and I’ve never been happier.

I am free.

I am looking for work. Perhaps I am unrealistic in my efforts, and still limping on the sidelines, but I have faith. In myself, in the universe, in God.

I know I will find my way and all of these lessons I will never forget.

Unedited Rambling About Huz

I’m feeling quite open today and figure I might as well take advantage of it while it’s here. Today has been quite an odd assortment of feelings and I used that to my advantage. Sort of. Huz has made it a habit to just pop in whenever he feels like, without calling ahead and it’s really been wearing on my nerves. I didn’t want to open anything up to an argument but I felt as if I didn’t say anything it would just keep happening. Before I tell you about how I handled the situation I should mention how an why he’s been coming here at all in the first place.

As you know the kids and I are in therapy, working on quite a lot and in the begining our therapisits had mentioned that they thought he should come as well, so he and I could get on the same page with our techniques. As you might guess, I was extremely uncomfortable with that idea. After I had some confidence about the whole situation and the kids under my belt I finally agreed to some counciling, just he and I. It’s been really effective in the sense that there are mediators there when we talk and they put the breaks on when things get heated between the two of us, we are also learning to communicate civilly and be a united front when it comes to the kids. However, as the weeks went by he started becoming more and more comfortable (really bad news in my opinion) and just showing up here and there. He even has taken showers here (this made me FURIOUS) and thought I wouldn’t have a problem with him sleeping here. I put the sleeping here to a stop immediatly but wasn’t sure how to address the random pop in’s.

“Just tell him to stop!” I can here you now, the problem is, it’s not that simple. First of all, I have an extremely hard time confronting him on anything. I also know that he is sharp witted and in any instance will snap back some type of responce that will leave me flustered and confused. I also know that when he feels offended he tends to “plot revenge” by attacking me either right away or a near future date. This situation needed to be handled strategically, and while my therapist has been prepping me for the big conversation, I still wasn’t feeling confident enough to go down that road quite yet.

This past Saturday however, when I was getting ready to see a friend, he just showed up and dropped our kids and HIS neice and nephew off so he could run an errand. No call first, no asking if I was able to do it. Just stopped by like it was the natural thing to do. Well, this really didn’t set well with me, in fact I am still fuming about it. What if my friend was here? How awkard would that have been? I guess you can say I’ve been dating a little and he knows it because flowers were sent to my house, and last week when he just popped up there was man evidence here. Each time when he asked about the flowers and the foreign beer I just said it was a friends, but I know he knows. If he doesn’t like seeing that stuff then perhaps he should call ahead, right? Anyway, back to Saturday.. I was livid and I let him know I was upset, but because I didn’t want any trouble I just watched the kids and decided I would firm up my plans with my therapist on (this) Tuesday, then bring up the subject in our therapy (this) Thursday. Sounded like a good plan… Until he just popped up again today.

If you saw my earlier posts today, you can probably come to the conclusion that my emotions were a bit scattered today. I was feeling back down in mood when he decided to just show up and though I remained calm, the longer he stuck around, the more I realized that something should be said. So after an hour of us not talking and me feeling uncomfortable I said I had to leave for my appointment. He wanted to use the van for something so he asked if I would just take the car.

“I guess.” I said rather snappy.

“You guess?” he said kind of mocking me.

“Yeah, well what are you doing?” I replied. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I know I was.

“I need the van” he said matter of factly.

“Well I don’t understand why you can’t call first,” I started to get it out. “Your always just showing up and it’s really rude. I wouldn’t just show up to your house.”

“Well my kids live here. They don’t live with me.” he said really quick (this is the predictable quick wit.)

“Yeah,” I said firmly, “that doesn’t give you the right to just come here whenever you feel like it. It’s rude.”

Then he really got witty by replying “Well when I am accused of spending only 12 hours a week with my kids..”

I cut him off. “It’s inappropriate and you need to stop.”

I then left.

Of course when I came back an hour and a half later he had bought us dinner and was just hanging out like he still lives here.

Ugh. Well I addressed it and made it clear that I don’t want him coming around whenever he feels like it, right? I can’t wait to talk about this with my therapist tomorrow and get some follow up tips. Then on Thursday I am going to bring it up again during our counciling, that way we can talk about it with witnesses and he can’t try to act like I didn’t address it with him. I’m sure he will be super defensive and bring it up that I am seeing someone but that isn’t any of his concern. And how he deals with it shouldn’t and hopefully won’t be my problem.

 

Yin and Yang

Since posting my “Something that makes you sad” picture earlier today, I’ve thought a lot about how it is that I really feel. It is true that I do feel sad a lot, but for the most part I don’t let it overtake me as I have in the past. I think there is a lot to be said about not feeling as sad as I used to.

To be honest, I am actually pretty happy with who I have become so far. I think a part of me will always be sad but I’m not sure that is abnormal. Life doesn’t always work out how we imagine it should, but what I understand now is that wallowing in disappointments isn’t going to change a thing. I used to feed into my sadness. Harp on it. Dwell in it. Let it consume me and allow it to grow. Ultimately I let my emotional pain hold me back. It felt safe.

I’ve dealt with a lot of losses in the past year. Many decisions I have put off making for years were suddenly made for me. While they weren’t fun to experience, I realize every change I’ve met has been necessary. Painful to go through? You bet. But in the end, these losses are allowing me to restructure my life in a way that I’ve been too afraid to go after any time before.

I used to think that the ability to not give up on a relationship was a great quality I possessed. I see now that my determination was only a mask for fear. I fear change, failure, risk, and the unknown. Life is forcing me to face my fears now, and though sometimes it is painful and scary, it is also kind of exciting. Letting go of that security blanket which I’ve held onto tightly for so long feels almost freeing.

I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I know that I no longer want to hide my head in the sand when conflict arises. I don’t want to be who I was before. I still have my bad days, when things don’t go the way I expect them to, but how I deal with disappointments now will prepare me for the future.

And while that picture of my fake smile made me sad  this morning, the sadness for today has passed. Now I can admit that there are so many other things about myself, and my life, that truly make me happy.

Emotional Abuse: The Backbone of Self-Doubt

Over the span of 14 years few things I accomplished ever satisfied my husband.

No matter how hard I worked at something or how proud I felt of my achievements, in his eyes, I was never quite good enough. After showing him results or telling him of my efforts on various tasks, I was always left feeling as if I had not produced anything substantial.

Case in point: I was very successful in my career and received many promotions throughout the years. Each time I moved to a higher position, I expected he would finally be proud of me. After sharing my exciting news of a promotion though, he would only inquire about my salary, and then advise I demand a higher income. This left me to feel as if my inflated paycheck was still far below his standards.

Instead of seeing the disappointment as his issue, I’d begin to feel bad about my job and increasingly dislike it for not meeting his expectations. Rather than being proud of my promotions, I became increasingly insecure of my abilities.

His criticisms weren’t limited to my salary, in fact, his expectations weighed heavier in the other areas of my life:

  • I was never a good enough mother
  • The home was never cleaned correctly
  • I spent too much money, despite using coupons or discounts
  • Another ingredient would have always improved what I prepared to eat

When I wasn’t being criticized by my husband I was being insulted. He frequently called me crazy, incapable, and dumb. If he wasn’t directly calling me names, he was making comments to imply my incompetence.

During conversations with him I often became flustered and insecure. Eventually the anticipation of being put down and scrutinized resulted in ineffective communication, which then carried over into other areas of my life.

For years, I believed that having tough skin could effectively block out his negativity and being harder on myself would eventually bring the results that would satisfy him. Now, after being separated from such an environment for a year, I realize my beliefs were only working against me.

It is clear that no matter how thick my skin was, or how dedicated to improvement I was, my low self-esteem and growing social anxiety were the products of living with daily emotional abuse. Low self-esteem became the backbone of my existence and essentially prevented me from truly growing to my full potential.

I’ve seen light-years of improvement in my self-opinion since this time last year. Only now, with this honest belief in myself, and no one to break it down, can I begin to imagine what I am truly able to accomplish .

The Price of Hibernation

Still being a newbie Fibromite, I wasn’t sure what to expect from the winter season that just passed. I read all of the horror stories about the cold weather and how it might drive me to the brink of insanity, so long before the temperatures dropped, I was fearing the worst.

Mother Nature was kind to everyone this year though and broke me into this new way of life gently. The air wasn’t the normal cold and bitterness of winters past and we only got a chuckle of snow, which was surprising after the blizzards that were thrown at us for the previous two years. All in all, the season wasn’t as terrible as I anticipated, and the aches and pains were nothing in comparison with what I went through the past summer.

My biggest drawback was fatigue.

Major flipping fatigue.

My body ached and burned and tingled and gnawed but it was the exhaustion that really got the worst of me. Not being able to do much about it but drag myself around, I surrendered to the Fibro and pretty much hibernated for 3 months.

Now that I’ve been regained a good amount of energy I need to clean up the neglected areas of my life. I’ve maintained the most important things like basic cleaning, cooking, self-care and survival necessities, but now that the fog lifted, all I can see are the things I have left by the wayside.

The House

With each week that’s passed over the season, our home has grown more and more disorganized. Isaac has been on a “project” kick for the past few months which has led him to rip apart my utility room, scattering tools everywhere in his path. He’s also rummaged through every drawer in the house while looking for “parts”  leaving the (once organized) drawers now barely closable. In his wake, he has left random bits and pieces of broken things, papers and junk. Natalie has reverted to her “hide-everything-in-my-closet-under-my-bed-and-in-every-drawer-so-my-room-just-looks-clean” mentality. I am just as guilty in the clutter as I have flat out neglected in keeping on top of them about picking up after themselves, let alone done any organizing or de-cluttering of my own.

In other words, a tornado of junk has ripped through my house and it is all that I can see now that I’ve awakened from my three months of hibernation.

If I were my old self, I’d just take a weekend to purge organize and be merry, easy peasey. I have always found it therapeutic to throw everything away and I always did just that. I am not the old me though, so I’ve got to figure out a plan to get things back to normal and not wear myself out in the process.

I suppose I will have to take this in baby steps, one thing at a time. I’m feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. Maybe with a trash bag. Or a dumpster.

Unfinished Projects

Towards the end of last summer I took on a lot of projects that I just couldn’t handle. I over did it by a mile and threw myself into a wicked flare and had to surrender. I kept telling myself I’d get to finishing everything when the fall rolled around but life was chaotic here then, and the projects were put on the back burner. By the time winter came, my projects were the last thing I was able to think about.

Now that I’m feeling substantially better, I’d really love to refocus on the forgotten projects and complete them before summer humidity sets in and I find myself back in miserable pain.

You might remember that last year I had the wood floors and stairway refinished, but I didn’t have them paint the risers on the steps. The chipped and yellowed paint is a terrible eyesore, and it really takes away from how beautiful the wood looks, so getting them painted is a must.

I also ripped apart the front of my fireplace, with the intention to put up tile, but now it is just another unfinished and very ugly eyesore.

Also, when the upstairs carpet was moved and installed in the basement, I left some areas unfinished. It will really look nice down there once it is complete, so I need to work on that as well.

Aside from the carpet in the basement, I need to clean out the utility room because today it would be more accurately described as a junk room.

The last project I have to get done is setting up my narrow closet so it can be put to use. Currently, my 2 dressers are jam-packed with clothes and another large amount of clothes are still hanging in the basement. My closet might be the biggest challenge because of the odd dimensions, but I know something can be done with a little planning.

My Neglected Appearance

I haven’t spent any time on what I look like and it is obvious. I haven’t had much of a need to look pretty since I’ve spent a majority of the past few months on the couch and I accurately reflect that this is just what I’ve done. The world shouldn’t know I’ve hibernated though and my appearance isn’t doing my self-esteem any favors when I do need to go somewhere.

I haven’t colored or cut my hair in almost six months so my roots are horrendous and the style has grown out. My eyebrows are a wreck and my skin has turned into a mess. I even made a joke with my girlfriend, “Does this pimple make me look younger?”

Funny, I am.

I have probably put on a good 10 pounds, which everyone says is good for me, but fitting well in my baggy pants really doesn’t feel good. Not being able to exercise and eating a ton of carbs for a whole season doesn’t make anyone feel good; I imagine this is the reason for my skin being a wreck, too.

Besides my physical appearance, I also feel like a mess style-wise and this has always been important to me. Not getting dressed to go out into the world for a few months has really thrown me off. Now when I do need to get dressed or want to go somewhere, I have a very hard time deciding on something to wear, my radar for what pieces work well together has been in snooze mode… Just like me!

I feel like a wreck, not a hottie now, but all of this is easily solvable and will be fun to fix.

My Finances

I have kept up with this area but only to minimum standards and it’s starting to become very stressful. I’ve paid my bills fine, but that usually means waiting and then scrambling right before they are due. I have piles of papers on my desk that I avoid until it’s time to rummage through them when the 15th rolls around. It’s all very stressful and completely unnecessary.

I really do need to take a few hours to get my paperwork in order, balance my bank accounts, make a calendar, set up some automatic payments and hammer down a budget.

I also need to pull a résumé together ASAP because I found a few legit jobs I am qualified for which will allow me to work remotely from home. I’m living off of savings and child support and I’d like to keep a nest egg, so this is something I really can’t drag my feet on for much longer.

As you can see, I’ve got a bit ahead of me to do.

I believe that if I pace myself and stay determined, I can get this house and myself back in order and feel on top life again. If I am really focused and lucky, I will be able to get these things done before summer rolls around and I recognize writing this and addressing my prioroties is the first step. Getting rid of all of my mental clutter has definitely lifted a huge load off of my mind! Seeing what I need to do, as opposed to just thinking about it all, puts a positive perspective on my tasks ahead, also.

I’m going to start working on what I can today, maybe an hour or two spread out over each day will get me where I need to be quicker than the summer. Then I might be able to enjoy some fresh air and sunshine before the pain from the future heat and humidity sets in!

My Friend Fibro

Fibromyalgia isn’t normally a word that I would associate with friendship; in fact, on most days I’d more accurately compare the disease with the devil. Having Fibromyalgia means a lot of things for the way I live my life; it mostly brings me crushing pain, awkward movement, sloth-like energy, severe depression and major bouts of anxiety.

It’s easy to wallow in the negative when you have a chronic disease that doesn’t offer any hope for the days ahead. I often find myself doing just that: pining for better days, remembering who I was before, dreading the 40 years that taunt me from the future. Fibromyalgia can easily become an epic sized pity party if I am so inclined; no planning, organizing or guests involved.

What I am coming to realize about Fibromyalgia though is that it has forced me to take a long, hard, and honest look at my life and reinvent the aspects that weren’t satisfactory.

I no longer live with a man who made his family feel terrible and worthless about themselves. I no longer drive 2 hours a day, to and from a job I felt no passion for. I no longer pretend that my kids will eventually just be alright or that all the aggravation in life would suddenly disappear. My days aren’t filled with overwhelming stress and my nights are no longer spent in fear.

Fibromyalgia has forced me the opportunity to slow down and appreciate all in life that really matters. For all that Fibro has taken away from me, it has in return provided me with a unmeasurable amount of insight and strength. Fibro has thrown in my face all of what was wrong in my world and gifted me with the courage to make it right.

The knowledge I have of myself is now incredible and there is an undeniable joy felt in discovering who I am as an individual. My growing confidence as a parent has a wonderful effect on my kids and the home environment, our relationships have flourished and I no longer carry around a deep guilt that I might be failing them. I am now able to pursue my life long dream of becoming a writer and for the first time in my life I am in love with what I do. I have a fresh perspective on the world and enjoy the beautiful things that money can’t buy like the sunshine, the feeling of comfort and the sounds of genuine laughter.

Living with Fibromyalgia means wearing the heaviest of armor in an exhausting uphill battle. I am thankful for the ability to look back on all the excessive weapons I’ve already left behind. This renews my strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue climbing to the top. I feel certain that if I hadn’t acquired this disease I’d still be collecting and carrying weapons, just chugging along, and blindly losing the more defeating and terribly damaging battle that once was my way of life.

Is this a Flare or Everyday Life?

It’s become my realization that I’ve been out of commission for the past 3 months or so, only doing the necessities to get by and the bare minimum while eagerly awaiting for this wretched flare to pass.

Since making the decision to stop taking Savella for my Fibromyalgia I’m in the process of learning to manage the pain and fatigue in a different way but it’s left me in a slump a majority of the time. My pain is sometimes absolutely unbearable and my energy level is constantly in the negative.

Is this how my life is going to be forever? If so, seriously, end it now. Is this just a flare?  If so, how much longer is it going to last?

Some day’s are worse than others but overall every day has been really bad. If the pain is tolerable I don’t have an ounce of energy and honestly, every day I feel like I am constantly on the brink of collapsing, therefore maiking even the simplest things, like going upstairs to the bathroom, a big deal.

Despite not having the strength or energy to get things done I have at least made myself do one thing each day. Whether it is cleaning something, cooking a meal, or making it to an appointment on time. It makes me feel better at the end of the day knowing that I did more than just rest. And even though I haven’t done anything above and beyond the requirements of living I am feeling pretty okay with myself because of getting that one thing done. In previous months all I could focus on was what I wasn’t getting done and to think like that did a lot more harm than good.

I wish I could say that today I feel good and that I have energy to really give the house a good cleaning or to go to the market or cook a few meals. I wish I had the energy to give myself a manicure or that the thought of getting a manicure didn’t sound so painful, but still, again, today, I can’t say that. I don’t know if it’s the weather, stress, or the missing meds keeping me in this flare, but I’m beginning to believe that I need to accept this is how it’s going to be.

I should stop waiting for a good day to live life.

I know there are terrible consequences from pushing yourself too hard when you have fibro, or any other similar disease, but I have to wonder, am I pushing myself enough?

I do know that I can’t function like this forever, I’ll never get anything accomplished. I want to live and feel alive again. How can anyone live like this? How hard can you push yourself until it’s not worth it?  There has to be a way to get more done.

If any of you have tips on how to accomplish more when your feeling awful, please, please, please share! Any tips or tricks you have about getting a flare into a calm state would be great too.

In the meantime, I’ll be brainstorming… From the couch.

It’s Okay to Not be Okay

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here and I don’t much feel like writing right now, but I do feel overwhelmed with guilt for not keeping up with this blog that I do love so very much. I wish I could say that I’ve been absent from the blogosphere because of being busy with projects, or because of a long vacation to some tropical place or even that I’ve been doing anything productive with my time, for that matter. The truth is though that I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water and survive lately.

Last year was really rough on me and I feel like everything should have fallen into place by now and that I could be moving forward in a new and exciting life, but after a long hard look at what is going on here, my therapist brought me to the conclusion that I am still in transition. I felt relieved after realizing that this is what is going on because for the past two months I’ve been feel terrible, assuming that all of this stress and lethargy and aggravation was going to be the rest of my life from now on.

I feel as though I am climbing up yet another very steep mountain and for quite sometime I couldn’t see the top. While I am still not seeing the top, I do feel a grand sense of comfort knowing that it really isn’t to far off.

Does that even make any sense?

I’ll rephrase it in another way that my therapist related it to me. She said to think of it as a snow globe. Back in April of last year, when all of the issues came to a head it was like someone shook a snow globe and all of the bits and pieces of my life where just swirling about rapidly. Chaos and confusion and unstructured. Little by little as time goes by and I implement new ways to live life and create a peaceful and structured environment for the kids and I, the particles (or bits of snow) are starting to settle into place. While all of the bits and pieces aren’t exactly settled and where they need to be, many of them are. The water is calm, it is easier to see the pretty ornament (my family goals) on the inside, and I am just dealing with the few stray particles that haven’t quite found their place.

There are still so many days that pass where I feel angry, bitter, sad and lost, but it’s not every hour of every day and I can pull myself out of the storm when I recognize that I am falling into the easier place to be. Easier? Yes, easier. Sometimes it is just easier to be sad or angry, and my therapist says that it makes sense. She said I should be more compassionate towards myself though because she knows I would never be so hard on someone else who would be in my shoes. I’m actively working on pulling myself out of the bad moods and thoughts and sometimes it can be down right exhausting, but it is making some difference. On the days when I don’t realize or even feel like pulling out of that mood, I am working on allowing myself those feelings, without being too hard on myself.