It’s a measly 7 am here and while I really should be in bed asleep, I’ve already been awake for 4 long hours. Usually I am pretty lucky and fall back asleep after an hour or two when I wake up in the middle of the night but that wasn’t happening for me this time.
I tried the normal tactics that usually get me back to where I want to be like use the bathroom, get a drink, readjust my pillows, none of them worked this time though.
I just couldn’t get comfortable. There were people coming and going on the street outside right below my window. The hallway light was turned up a bit too brightly and despite the glare giving me a terrible headache, I didn’t have the energy to get up again to shut it off.
For what felt like an hour, all I could think about was how horrible Huz was to us last year and then I became scared of how hard and fast my heartbeats were. I tried breathing and meditation to slow my heart rate down and clear my mind but neither worked, so in fear of having a full-blown anxiety attack, I made my way back downstairs at 6.
Thinking that eating something might work in putting me back to sleep I put 2 pieces of pizza in the toaster oven and then I noticed the half-empty bottle of wine on the counter.
Alcohol and sleep don’t mix well. I rarely do drink anymore for this reason and a few others but yesterday I decided I wanted a glass of wine and then got on the phone and gabbed with my friend for a few hours. I suppose all the gabbing was making my mouth dry because I sure had more than one glass of wine.
At the time I wasn’t thinking about how much I was drinking, but when I noticed what was left in the bottle on the counter this morning, I became quite irritated with myself. I suppose we all have our moments and mine are becoming fewer and far between but I do feel badly about myself when I drink more than I should.
My therapist told me I am self medicating when I do this, and even though it’s counter-productive now, it has served me well at least once before, otherwise I’d not ever do it. I guess that makes sence. She says that about a lot of the behaviors I am working on. They’ve all been helpful at one time or another, they just aren’t helpful anymore.
Learning how to replace old coping mechanisms and behaviors with new ones is hard work but I know it will get easier the more I practice and become more aware of myself.