A Writer Who Doesn’t Write

I’ve been active in therapy for a little over a month now and I have to say it has taken much more out of me than I would ever expecct it to. I know that it is good for me, in fact I can FEEL it being good for me in little ways already, but at the same time it’s really made such a mess in my head.

For years now I knew I would benefit by talking to someone, in fact, I’d say that my mental health has been in need of rescue for over ten years, but I always just figured I was depressed. About 10 years ago I was diagnosed with depression by my family doctor, given some meds and told to speak with a proffesional. I was full of fear when it came to talking to someone though, so I just took my meds and when I felt better stopped taking them and believed myself to be cured. I actually did well for a few years that way and learned to cope with feeling depressed as if it were just a normal part of me. After this last year though, it got to the point that every doctor I saw was telling me to seek counciling and I felt so depressed that death started to occupy my mind daily. I knew I needed help and finally made that first phone call to get help.

It took about two months before I actually started therapy from the day I made that first phone call because of a long waiting list and the various evaluation tests I needed to take during a long intake evaluation. During those two months I honestly couldn’t tell you if I was coming or going. My mind was so foggy with emotion and confusion I thought for sure it was going to totally fail on me. I did a lot of research on mental health during the last three weeks of waiting for an actual appointment and became well aware of the fact that it wasn’t just depression I was dealing with.

I had mentioned a few posts back that I was suffering from a eating disorder, at the time when I wrote that my thinking was just along the lines that I had recognized it and all would be well and I’d change it. That’s not how it works though. I really do have an eating disorder and I am activly working on getting it under control. It’s hard to “fix”; believe it or not. Much harder to change than it was to just admit there was something wrong. In fact, every behavior (there are quite a few) that I have been working on changing is much harder than I thought it would be.

During this past month I feel as if my mind has been quite crippled. I’ve had an extremely hard time making much sence of anything that has been going on and admit that I’ve felt extremely overwhelmed by not only the thoughts that are jumbled in my head but with life in general. I had a few weeks where I just kept beating myself up for being so “crazy” and for the fact that I need such intense counceling that I’ve almost let it bcome a crutch of sorts. My mental state has become an excuse for why I hadn’t been getting things done that I normally love to do (writing, projects, styling) and seemed to be feeding my irrational additude towards life.

After talking with my therapist this week and being reassured by her that I’m not “insane” and while a majority of my actions don’t always makes sense to me when looking back, they do, in fact, serve a purpose. Changing the way that I’ve dealt with things and responded to people with past behaviors are eventually going to be replaced with more positive and meaningful behaviors.

Now that after a month of therapy has gone by I feel like I’ve allowed myself to feel crazy and out of control. I’ve given myself the okay to not be so well and have taken a mental “vacation” just to come to terms with everything I have finally understood about my mind. I was feeling helpless and scared but I do understand now that my illness does not need to define who I am. I am a strong woman and the patterns I taken on over the years did serve a purpose, they allowed me to survive through many difficult events but they are no longer useful to me and I am learning a whole new way to deal with life.

I am receivivng Dialectical behavior therapy, in individual sessions and soon in a group setting as well. This type of therapy is aimed to help people control their emotions and destructive behaviors. From what I’ve read this therapy has been very successful in helping people regain control of their lives. I am not taking any medications to get me through this and I feel great about that.

Is it scary to have a mental illness? You bet. Am I worried that I won’t recover, well maybe a little, but the goal is to recover and all I can really do at this point is try my hardest.

I suppose this post has really been holding me back from writing. I mean, I really wanted to talk about what I’ve been going through but I didn’t really know what people would think. I wanted to be able to help people who might also be going through a rough mental state, but I know at this point I am the blind. I really wanted to get this out though because it is a huge part of who I am and I’ve always tried to be an honest writer. I am not going to edit this because I fell like I will only delete it and then never get it out and maybe not write anymore so forgive me if this doesn’t make perfect sence or has a lot of errors. I need to move forward though and the best way to do that is to start.

I hope this post will help me get past this block I’ve been suffering through and I hope that I won’t loose readers now that I’ve openly talked about the issues I am working on. Though I have only really talked about my therapy in this post I think I might be able to talk more about what disorder I am dealing with in future posts.

This was really hard to write but I do feel better for getting it out.

 

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13 thoughts on “A Writer Who Doesn’t Write

  1. So nice to hear from you, again, and, so reassuring to know that you’ve completed the most difficult part of your recovery; reaching out for help, and making a plan. You are on your way!

  2. You are a sensitive but strong person and will find new strength through this healing process. Just continue to do good things for yourself. Wonderful insights come through writing so keep going…..blessings and healing thoughts from Canada!

    1. Thank you for your support and the encouragement to keep writing! I feel relieved that I got this out and feel like I will be able to move forward with writing now that I’ve got this heavy weight off of my chest 🙂 I hope all is well with you!

  3. So glad that you posted this…you have a lot of courage and I admire you for putting your emotional self ‘out there’ for others to read about. I hope writing also helps as part of your therapy…I know that it does for me. Sometimes I don’t even know what I think until I start to write…and am often surprised at the words that appear on the page or screen in front of me…
    Look after yourself too, and know that cyber-friends are thinking of you.
    Sylvia

    1. Sylvia, this post was so hard! I honestly have multiple drafts that were started and not posted because nothing felt right and the anxiety of how people might respond was heavy on my mind. On my therapy card I have a column to track a healthy behavior and it is blogging. Yay! I finally get to put a “yes” in that column!!
      Aside from going through this I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself on where I want my blog to go next year. I know another 365 won’t be good for me so I have been working hard on ideas and getting stressed as the end of the year draws closer. My therapist helped me sort those thoughts out too so I am feeling good about writing again. I’ve missed you all so much and it feels great to get back into this wonderful community!

  4. I’m so glad you wrote this blog. I can surely relate to you because I am in the smae spot as you. I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety/panic disorder last March. I’m still off work and some days are better than others. My doctor wants me to see a therapist and the earliest appointment I can get is January. Which seems an eternity away. God bless you for your openess on this topic. Most people are afraid to talk about it as it results in a stigma against us. Keep up the good work and I wish you all the success in getting better. Merry Christmas!

    1. It does take so long to get into the doctors, but don’t give up hope, it will be worth it! I was very scared to talk to someone for a few reasons a) I thought they would judge me b) I was afraid to admit I needed help c) I was afraid to find out what was “wrong” with me but in the end my therapist is very kind and probably chose her profession because she WANTS to help people, I realized admitting you need help takes more strength than ignoring the issues and most importantly now that I have an understanding of how my mind works I feel better about why I am the way I am and look forward to learning how to grow in a positive way.

      Don’t give up and know that you are not alone. Yes, there are people who may look at me cross-eyed and “dissaprove” of me being open about this (I’m sure my Mom isn’t going to be happy) but this is a real problem, a real illness that I am dealing with and not only does it help me by being open about it, it will probably help those closest to me understand why I behave the way I do a bit clearer too.

      The most important thing for everyone to realize is that mental disorder isn’t something that is chosen and it can effect anyone in the world. I really think it’s something that should be more openly talked about and accepted.

      Merry Christmas to you and don’t give up on that appointment, weeks away is much better than years! I am here for you and I know a lot of other Word Pressers are too!

    1. Thank you Sawsan, I d feel much better having wrote that post. My fear of moving forward is just an after thought now and that fe great to say, especially concidering that I allwed it to buid up for so long. You are such a kind friend and I thank you!

  5. Ginger, this post is incredible, honest, and true; everything I have always loved about reading your blog.
    You are inspirational in how strong you are still being despite all the shite and change you’ve had to deal with, face and begin to overcome in just one year.
    Ginger, 2012 is your year. It’s nearly here. Yes you are in therapy and overcoming fears, emotions and illness… But, it is in action, so there is nothing to fear.
    Making this post, pressing submit and starting to write again will help you. Writing, whether editied or not, just hit publish and get it out. It will help, small posts or big, whatever, get it out and do as you wish.

    Ginger, a new year, a new you, and a new happier, healthier and positive outlook is on the horizon. You’ve let so much out here. I, and I’m sure I can speak for a ‘we’ audience here, are all here, listening and sending much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement Holly, I sure do hope you are right about 2012. I feel like you could be and I am trecking forward with high hopes. Life has been rough, but I guess when you are down so far going up is the only other option.

  6. What an amazingly honest post! I am glad your therapy is going so well – one month of counseling works different for everyone. Being aware of the feelings you have in the way you just described is incredible and it seems you already made a huge progress by talking about your emotional state in such an open way. Much success with the rest of your therapy session. It seems like it is working out with you and your therapist.

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