I’ve been terrible with the blogging lately.
I’ve taken a break from the home projects, my body forced me to and my bank account backed it up. I don’t mind taking a break but I am disappointed that I never did finish my bedroom. Good things come in time though and these days it feels like all I have is time, which is nice. I lost the vision of what I wanted from my room, but I suppose that means my original vision didn’t feel quite right.
The floors did get redone and they look beautiful but I’m still working on the carpet for the basement, which has proved much harder than I anticipated, such is life.
I know my posts have lacked heart lately and I feel awfully guilty for it. I’ll write something truly honest soon enough, I just didn’t know where to start so I figured I’d get this bit out-of-the-way.
There is a lot going on in my life, home, heart and head now and the place I’ve found most comfortable is doubting that I ever really knew what love was. Perhaps everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. I haven’t doubted love much ever and I truly believed I had found it three times. Looking back though, I think that through all the years of my life I was just desperate to find it and therefore created it when it felt as if it would work.
I am not that silly girl anymore.
I now understand how vulnerable I really am presently and can’t help but replay the words of what a kind reader warned me of some time ago about falling into misguided arms. He was right but I had to learn it for myself, more than once. Through what I know to be kind intentions, I now know that I have been slightly taken advantage of in some sense or another by a few but don’t believe any of the circumstances to have been malicious intent.
So to make things simple for myself (and others) I’m going into lock down. No dates, no men, no boys; I no longer believe in love and refuse to entertain such thoughts. I’ll be focusing on reconnecting with the me that I lost somehow years ago. The girl who all the boys would love to know but could never get quite close enough. If you are directly effected by this, I am sorry, but it’s what I need to do. And I do feel so safe… Isn’t that what really counts?
Before I move forward through my journey though, here is a picture of a manicure I gave myself with funky nail colors that I chose in celebration of a date that was quite exciting to the vulnerable me. I went to an Eagles game with Mr. Picnic and painted the team colors on my nails, in an effort to cross two things off my list of course and to be “spirited.”
I’ll be back to write more soon…