Understanding Vunerability

I’ve been terrible with the blogging lately.

I’ve taken a break from the home projects, my body forced me to and my bank account backed it up. I don’t mind taking a break but I am disappointed that I never did finish my bedroom. Good things come in time though and these days it feels like all I have is time, which is nice. I lost the vision of what I wanted from my room, but I suppose that means my original vision didn’t feel quite right.

The floors did get redone and they look beautiful but I’m still working on the carpet for the basement, which has proved much harder than I anticipated, such is life.

I know my posts have lacked heart lately and I feel awfully guilty for it. I’ll write something truly honest soon enough, I just didn’t know where to start so I figured I’d get this bit out-of-the-way.

There is a lot going on in my life, home, heart and head now and the place I’ve found most comfortable is doubting that I ever really knew what love was. Perhaps everyone goes through this at some point in their lives. I haven’t doubted love much ever and I truly believed I had found it three times. Looking back though, I think that through all the years of my life I was just desperate to find it and therefore created it when it felt as if it would work.

I am not that silly girl anymore.

I now understand how vulnerable I really am presently and can’t help but replay the words of what a kind reader warned me of some time ago about falling into misguided arms. He was right but I had to learn it for myself, more than once. Through what I know to be kind intentions, I now know that I have been slightly taken advantage of in some sense or another by a few but don’t believe any of the circumstances to have been malicious intent.

So to make things simple for myself (and others) I’m going into lock down. No dates, no men, no boys; I no longer believe in love and refuse to entertain such thoughts. I’ll be focusing on reconnecting with the me that I lost somehow years ago. The girl who all the boys would love to know but could never get quite close enough. If you are directly effected by this, I am sorry, but it’s what I need to do.  And I do feel so safe… Isn’t that what really counts?

Before I move forward through my journey though, here is a picture of a manicure I gave myself with funky nail colors that I chose in celebration of a date that was quite exciting to the vulnerable me. I went to an Eagles game with Mr. Picnic and painted the team colors on my nails, in an effort to cross two things off my list of course and to be “spirited.”

I’ll be back to write more soon…

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22 thoughts on “Understanding Vunerability

  1. Of course it is heart-breaking to hear you giving up on love, but I think that is just semantics. I see everything right about re-connecting with yourself, and focusing on the you that is so amazing. I belive true love is found in the act of doing what you love, and, so, I am hopeful that the day when you let love back in will come.

  2. I want to echo, in a way, what Beth has said about semantics.

    I’m not really sure what “love” is anymore and I really don’t know what “true love” is at all. It’s not to say I’ve given up on it, per se, just that I don’t really expect it anymore. Like you, I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself – inside and out – and I find that as I change, my relationships change, my expectations change and now I have NO idea what the future holds. And that’s just fine by me.

    Let’s just allow ourselves to be surprised.

    ps. you have beautiful hands.

    1. Girly, I know we have both been going through quite a few internal changes. I welcome them fully. I wasn’t happy for a really long time and that’s all I am after. A happy life, one I can be proud of and not waste minutes wondering. I don’t know if you like deftones but this video to me looks like true love, and I don’t know why some people find it or even if they really do. It’s a great video, check it out..

      http://www.youtube.com/user/GingerCouturier#p/a/f/1/1JfRAatsUvg

      ps I think hands (especially mine) are weird looking, you’d laugh to know I took like 15 shots and used the least creepy one ;D

  3. i am with the girls above. i truly believe that we cannot know or feel “true” love until we first learn to love ourselves, that it is, by doing exactly what you say you are going to do. to reconnect with yourself, to discover yourself, to live from your soul puts everything in perspective and opens you up to be who you truly are. then, who knows what lies ahead in the future. but, the most important thing that happens, in my opinion, is that you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable, you know who you are, and you vow to live life to the fullest. true inner peace leads to true love (and i don’t just mean love found from another person). so, you go, girl! seek out yourself, and everything else will fall in place! hugs. ~liz

    1. What you said makes perfect sence. I shouldn’t let anyone or anything define me. I’m going to meditate on your words Liz, you are very right and inner peace and happiness is what I really desire, not love from someone else.

  4. I have found my mistake was that I assumed my man felt the same as I and had the same perspective as I. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I will never assume he has the same goal as I unless he articulates as much. Everyone has their own take on what the ideal relationship is, and it must be communicated. Rule #1: love yourself. See that, you’re halfway there. I wil never give up on love; I’m 61, have been married and divorced twice, yet realize it was just as much my fault as theirs, but for different reasons. Continue to learn who you are, don’t sell yourself short, and never be afraid to love, just as the famous quote says, “Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” I love you, girl. A. Kath

    1. I just don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone else. It seems so much easier to not get involved. I want love too, so much it’s sickening but this makes me think I will get myself into another bad relationship. I suppose that will pass in time and I’ll maybe feel different one day. I believe in love, I guess deep down though I feel as if I don’t believe it is for me.
      That is a great quote but I wish I never “loved” Huz. I wish I never met him at all.

  5. Ginger, you’re like a mini me, the younger girl just going thru a divorce and dating that I did about 10 years ago. I’m single again after a year and a half with someone I thought was pretty special. Anyway, as others have said, you must love and respect yourself first but also know what you want. And if you want someone special in your life, open yourself up and don’t allow anyone to spoil or take away your dream just becuz they did not work out. I always tell my friends to get back up and move forward. Don’t dwell or analyze him or the whys or why nots of it all. Have faith that someone just right for YOU will come along and until the right one does there will be lessons to learn about yourself in getting you ready for that true love. Have you ever heard that people come into your life for a reason, or a season or a lifetime? I believe its so true. Be happy Ginger!

    1. I am just really worried that I attract the wrong kind of men. Self doubt because of my past relationships I suppose. I am going to try not to give up I just don’t want to get hurt again, I don’t think I can put myself in that position. I have this list building in my head about who a good match would be, but I don’t know how realistic that is. It’s not a complicated list but oh well I really don’t know… Thanks for your advice, you are turning into my ethernet big sister 🙂

  6. Don’t give up on love. Love comes and goes and when it goes it takes with it all the joy, the memories and happiness it once created.

    That’s heart break.

    And then everything feels weird and you wonder if any of it was ever real.

    But it was… And it will be again. X

    1. Everything DOES feel weird, you are right! I changed my mind about McCutiwits (Mr Picnic sounds dorky) but I am not looking for anything, I need to find clarity in my mind first, but I do enjoy his company and don’t feel any pressure so it’s probably a good match for now.

      Thanks for saying love is real.

    1. That’s not what I said Greg, lol, men don’t suck. I just suck at understanding them. Thanks for saying I am doing great at something, I feel like a murky mess!

  7. I.am.envious.

    I’ve never ever been good at painting my own nails. They always end up looking like…well…like a team of cloven-handed seven year olds with neurotic intentions attacked me with fairy barf.

    As to the love stuff…well, my dear…I just wish you the best in that department. I am proud of you, though. It takes guts to be with yourself, to really make sure you know who You are and all that. So much of the time we define ourselves by those around us; the ability to determine Your Self would be, I’d imagine, the best gift you could ever give to you.

    …that and anti-cloven-handed-7-year-old spray.

  8. I never found love until I had given up on finding it and was happy with just being me. I was 40 and tired of looking, hoping, praying. Love literally fell into my lap. He is nothing like anything I thought I always wanted in a man; but he is perfect for me.

    I’m going to be 44 this December and he is going to be 47. Much older than I’d thought I’d be falling in love, when I dreamed of relationships in my early 20’s. He’s not perfect and neither am I, and even though we have changed through knowing each other and growing, neither of us try to manipulate and change each other.

    First I hope that you find your love of self and then perhaps the other will fall into your lap.

    Hugs,
    Karen

  9. Hi, there! The reason I came to your blog today was to share a post from a friend I saw on Facebook this morning. I saw this and immediately thought of you:

    “Hard to explain to someone who has no clue. It’s a daily struggle being in pain or feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside. Please put this as your status for at least 1 hour if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (PTSD, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Diabetes, LUPUS, Fibromyalgia, MS, ME, Arthritis, Cancer, Heart Disease, Epilepsy, Autism,M.D. PCOS etc.) ” Never judge what you don’t understand…”

    I’m not into the reposting on FB thing, but I thought it was an important message to know you’re not alone.

    Also, I wanted to say I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving, and that I’m looking forward to more of your posts soon. (Although, I’m one to talk. I’ve been a blogging slacker big time lately.) 🙂

  10. Thanks Cary, I had a very nice Thanksgiving and I hope you had a great holiday also!

    I posted the facebook status and added one more mental illness that I’ve been avoiding talking about but I think your comment was my sign to move forward. I hope to not chicken out today and write about why I’ve gone so long without writing.

  11. Hi Ginger–where are you? I’m worried about you because you haven’t posted for quite awhile and I always look forward to reading your words…Hope you are okay and just hibernating for a bit. Take care and know that people do have you in their thoughts (at least I do).

    1. Hi Sylvia, no need to worry! I have been trying to write but having a very hard time. I am okay though! I’ve stubbled into some writers block and can’t seem to get anything coherent together. I will write something soon, maybe it will just be about my lack of writing but at this point ANYTHING is better than nothing, right? I hope you are well and I miss everyone very much!

    1. Hey Laura, yes it is time I write! I’ve read her blog quite a bit, in fact I think I may be subscribed but haven’t been up to date on mt reading either. It might take me all weekend to catch up with everyone. Thank you for thinking of me, I am having such a hard time getting something together. I suppose the best way to start is to just do it.
      Ahh.

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