A Constant Wish and Clarity

I’ve been stuck, deep in thought this morning over specific conversations I’ve had in the past with the one person in this world who knows me best. We’ve had a ton of arguments over the years and tend to be overly honest with one another, probably due to the longevity of our friendship. Throughout the years I became defensive and outright unreachable when I felt he had overstepped the boundaries or completely crossed the line. Some of our arguments pissed one or both of us off enough to not speak for days, weeks, and sometimes even months. I have felt hurt and betrayed by some of the things has said to me and there have been times he caused me to completely shut down; I often refused to give his words any thought or weight and easily swore to him and myself that he was just trying to hurt and control me.

One of the most painful things he said was that I was living like a battered house wife and would stay in the same spot unless I woke the hell up or ended up severely hurt. I thought the only reason he would say such a mean thing was because he was mad that I wasn’t crumbling at his lines. I proclaimed that I wasn’t battered, that Huz loved me and he had no reason to say such terrible things. We didn’t speak for weeks and when I was throughly convinced that he was insane and spoke with him again we didn’t talk about it much. By then, after I knew how to respond I just blew off any mention of the conversation and stopped crying to him about the problems at home. We finally did talk about it seriously years later though… Once the protective order was in place he offered to sleep on my couch with his gun, just so he would know the kids and I would feel safe. When I refused he tried to insist that we come stay with him, cat and all. I thanked him for the concern, quietly pushed him away and still didn’t fully acknowledge how well he knew me.

Something else he said to me recently was that my medication wasn’t safe and that he didn’t want me to take it because of the horrible side effects. He said I wasn’t mentally stable and throwing the possibility of suicidal tendencies into the mix wasn’t to anyone’s benefit.  I had already confessed to him one night, only a few months before, that I had almost killed myself in March when Huz wouldn’t lay off of me. It was the night before I wrote my Tale of Two Cakey’s post but after the post had gained recognition, I focused on the feeling of success and pushed away the fact that I was so depressed and desperate to get out of the situation I was in that I could do such a thing. I told him I did it just to get Huz to shut up and off of my back during an argument. I tried my best to convince him not to worry about me but knows better. When we were at dinner one night, I accidentally brought up that my pills were making me woozy and he immediately asked me if I was taking the ones he told me not to take. I know he was angry that I didn’t listen to him so I quickly changed the subject, mad at myself for bringing it up. He let it go verbally but the look on his face has since been stuck in my head; it was one of pure concern and disbelief. In my mind, I told myself that he had no idea what he was talking about. He’s a software engineer, not a doctor and surely he was trying to control me. I finally admitted to him two nights ago that he was right, I need to get off of these pills, they are messing with my mind the way he said they would. I tried to ease his mind with my action plans for when such thoughts arise and I promised to wean myself of the pills.

The last thing he “accused” me of was an eating disorder. I swore to him and myself, again, that he was purposely trying to hurt me after he called me underweight and unhealthy. It was a few days after the medication incident, when he brought it up that I had clearly lost more weight since he last saw me the month before when I was already too thin. I convinced myself he said this because I had just told him that I had run into and spoken with Huz for the first time since the incident and we that we were on civil terms. Within minutes he was talking about my weight and for some reason these comments hurt me the worst of all. I felt like he was attacking me and my appearance, my body, of which I felt I had no control. The look on his face from a few nights before when we talked about my choice to take the medications flashed into my mind and I became fully convinced that he was trying to control me, the way Huz had done for so long. I didn’t speak to him for 6 weeks. We didn’t talk about it again until I brought it up the other night, when I told him the realization I faced last week.

There have been a million other discussions and fights about things throughout the years. Truthful accusations that I refused to own up to, some things I don’t remember, and some things I don’t want to disclose. And through all of this time, after all of these years, I believed he was trying to hurt me with each of the “mean” things he’d accuse me of. I pushed him away as far as I could over the years, but I suppose I might have only made him stronger. He is the only one who knows me so well, inside and out, the good and all of the bad. He’s tried so hard to help me all along and never flinched once when I tried to push him away. He has stuck by me in a way no one else could have and I finally see that it’s because he cares and hoped that eventually I’d come to grips with the sad truths I so hated to hear.

I concider myself lucky to have that kind of friend; everyone should be so lucky. I’m grateful for him being around for all of these years, listening to me go back and forth. Listening to me cry in pain and heartache, taking all of my insanity and anger that I projected onto him. Even after I accused him of so many terrible things throughout the years, and outright and openly never trusted him or his intentions. He never gave up on me, even when I made it such an easy thing to do. He could have easily thrown his hands to the sky and left me to my misery, but he never did, not for long anyhow. I really wish I would have listened to what he was really telling me during all of this time. I really wish I could tell him how sorry I am for being such a stubborn wreck and for not trusting him. I really wish that I could explain to him that I have finally realized his unconditional love and thank him for it because it’s so much better than I ever wished it to be.

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18 thoughts on “A Constant Wish and Clarity

  1. What has happened that you cannot tell him? Your honesty in your writing today is making me cry…

    xo,
    Lynda
    (Don’t feel bad, you have touched a spot in my own psyche, and I love what you’ve shared.)

  2. Thanks, Lynda and I’m sorry! I don’t know where all of this need to share my deep dark secrets is coming from, but it feels good to accept them.
    Nothing has happened that I can’t tell him, I just need to find the courage, I suppose.

    1. Like I said, don’t feel bad… You and another blogging friend have inspired me greatly… and most especially today. Hold on, BRB, gotta get the quote she shared…

      OK, She was quoting from Nina Sankovitch’s memoir, “Tolstoy and The Purple Chair” :

      ” . . . now I understood that all the bad and sad stuff that happens to me, and that happened to the people I was reading about, is both the cost and the proof of resilience.”

      I am so grateful to you both for sharing today, and although Nina’s book might not be my regular reading fare, I think I will look it up and give it a read. 🙂

      Are we not ‘resilient?’ I say we are! Keep writing and sharing it helps this reader and friend to know she “ain’t the only one.”

      Dogear’s enjoyable blog is here by the way: http://dogear6.com/author/livingtheseasons/
      ~ Lynda

      1. Thanks for the link Lynda, I am a bit concerned for you. For us to be feeling similar emotions is a bit disturbing. Please email me if you want to talk or vent. We both know I am a bit of a mess right now, but maybe us comparing war stories can provide insight, support and comfort. I do hope you are okay and agree that we are resilient, but it is certainly a quaility I’d rather not have to be, if you catch my drift.

        I just want a peaceful, happy life. That’s what my focus is on 🙂 Maybe I could buy some land near you and we can help in each other’s gardens..

  3. Glad to hear the term “counselor” in your posts. An objective 3rd party can open our eyes. Sorry the meds are doing more harm than good. Seems to be the case more often than not. The power of the mind, attitude, as much exercize as you can handle and healthy eating all nurture. You’ve opened your heart and now your mind; you will find your way. A. K.

    1. Thanks Aunt Kathy, you are so right about the power of mind, etc. I had wanted to give the meds a year because I’m afraid of the pain, but I can’t wait that long. More harm than good. I feel stronger than I was 6 months ago so maybe it won’t be so bad afterall. My friend said that me going off the worst thing that could be is that I feel the unbearable pain again and have to go back on or switch medications, but I’ll never know if I don’t try.
      I’ve faced a lot of sad things, and it was hard to do but I’m not sad about them everyday all of the time now that I see them clearly. I’m happy for that and that now I can move on.

  4. Wow, what an amazing friend you have – who has the courage to tell you the truth and risk your friendship in order to be sure you are safe & healthy. I am so glad to hear that you have someone like that in your life! Thinking about you & sending you good thoughts. ~Liz

    1. He is a great friend and I am very lucky; I only wish I would have realized how good he was sooner. I had to learn the hard way! I certainly learned more than one lesson, it’s what I do with my knowledge now that matters.

    1. I sent him the link, though I think he already knows most of this. I hope he isn’t mad that I wrote abut him but he has been a big part of my recovery. I just wanted to make sure he knows that I am thankful, my eyes are open, and that I’m not just the selfish, hardheaded and dense girl he knows a little too well.

  5. I’m glad to hear you have sent him the blog – I was wondering if you would when I read this. You’re posts are so honest and heartfelt. I almost feel like I accidentally opened your diary. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Woooosh! What a revelation of the turmoil going on in your life right now!
    Ginger, so sorry to hear that you have been facing so many emotional obstacles thruout the past 8 months. I am glad you never took your life and maybe the FP happened for a very good reason if it indeed prevented this…
    I think your friend might be a great fella but he should find a kinder way in critizing you…
    All my respect goes to you for sharing such intimate feelings and thoughts! Many hugs from NY!

    1. Thanks Laura, my friend and I actually talked about it and he said he probably should have been more stern with me. Maybe that would have woken me up sooner, but like I said to him, I probably wouldn’t have listened. I’m very stubborn. Thank you for your hugs, they feel great! xo

  7. Ginger I’ve been MIA since the 7th and missed your blog post. I was in the hospital for three days and then home in bed a week. I was in a bit of a depression myself and needed a jolt.

    I wanted to tell you how much it helped reading it. I think most of us who have constant illness and pain slip into those dark days sometimes. It doesn’t help that a lot of the meds that may help our pain can have a side affect of severe depression.

    It’s good that you now see that this was happening to you and are weaning yourself off of this drug. Did you tell your doctor?

    1. Karen, I’m really sorry to hear about your hospitalization! Wow, I hope you are feeling much better and that things are going to be okay! I think Fibro and deooression are hand in hand, I know they say that this about insomnia but I think it’s the same with depression! The meds were making me feel like I was losing my mind, literlly. I spent the better part of 3 weeks just walking around in circles all day, crying and thinking of different ways to end it all. I chalked it up to my depression but realized that it was probably the meds. I decided to wean myself on my own, I don’t have insurance anymore and haven’t been to the doctors in a few weeks. Just cutting back has made a huge difference for me. I am not, however, able to stop the muscle relaxer/sleep pills. When I tried they turned me into a very angry nasty and pain filled girl.

      Overall I am just gaging my body and will probably cut another dosage in half next week. I don’t want to shock my body but I don’t want to wait too long to cut the dosage because who knows if those terrible thoughts will creep back. I’ve noticed more pain, but to me my mind needs to be clear. I can deal with the pain a lot better than I had before and I have found the more I move the better I feel. I can’t sit still or I am in hell.

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