Don’t Watch This if You’re Squeemish and A Real Life Confession

When I was going through my process of losing weight last year I set myself up with a goal and a reward. The deal I made with myself was that once I reached 125 I could get my navel pierced (so 1990’s, I know, sexy none the less) but when I did drop down to 125 I still was feeling the fat-girl mentality and wasn’t satisfied that I had lost enough weight. I didn’t get the piercing but planned to do it still, once I was feeling good about my body.

In the months following the 125 milestone I lost more weight and joined a gym. The elliptical machine was my heaven. I actually refered to it as my “lover” because of how great it made me feel and how fantastic it was making my body look. I was at the gym religiously every day for months, only taking one day, at the very most two, off each week. I was capable of staying on that machine for an hour each day and worked my resistance level between an 8 and a 20, doing intervals of 30 seconds and 2 minutes. You could not pinch a centimeter of my skin, not anywhere on my body. I looked and felt fantastic.

Although I was still well within my healthy weight range, people weren’t used to me looking so thin. I was all muscle and that made me look much leaner than I actually was. Almost everyday people asked me if I was anorexic, I was too thin and looked unhealthy. It made me so angry, here I was, in the best shape of my life, in control of my body and people thought I was starving myself. This gave me a body complex of another kind and I still didn’t want to get my piercing.

Now that I haven’t worked out in almost a year I have little to no muscle mass. I feel fat again, I haven’t gained any weight, but my skin is far from tight. I miss my lover. Oh, how I hope one day we will reunite.

What’s funny is people sometimes still ask me if I am anorexic and I still take offence. After having a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday morning and a long freestyle therapy session with my close friend and neighbor I finally admitted out loud to her, and myself, that I do have an eating disorder. It was something I had to really come to grips with. I didn’t even realize that I really had a problem until she flat-out asked me if I was eating. I just cried out “NO” without a thought. My mind was forcing me to be more honest than I was for so long. I wasn’t hiding anything out of shame or anything, I just didn’t recognize that I had yet another issue. It’s been a very long cycle of me going for days where I don’t eat anything, not on purpose, I don’t even realize it’s happening, to be honest. Then when I finally realize how hungry I am I will binge eat anything I can get my hands on and the cycle starts again.

Anyway, what this has to do with me getting my navel pierced… I kept putting it off because I didn’t like my body. Now that my health has changed I hate my body, but finally, it’s not about the way it looks, it’s about how it feels. I thought it was time to give myself my reward because it’s long overdue and I am proud of myself for finally recognizing what I have been doing to my body for so long. I bet once I get my body nourished and take control of this aspect of my life again I will feel much better. I’ve decided that I’m going back to Weight Watchers, not to lose weight, but to remember how to eat, daily, healthy. It’s just going to be another tool in my rather large-sized toolbox I am lucky to have to get my life in control.

My neighbor said, “pay attention to the moment. Not the past you, not the future you, just the present you.” These past few years, and especially this one, I’ve been looking back and forward and neglecting the now. I need to focus on NOW or nothing will get any better. Now is the time. She told me to ask myself when I feel like I am losing my mind, or doing something without knowing why, to center myself in the now. Ask myself how I feel, ask myself if I’ve eaten, ask myself, what I can do to make my life better NOW. If it isn’t going to make me feel better or move me in a positive direction, not to do it. I felt good on that table, last night, and today I think that piercing is more symbolic than I thought it would be. Yeah, I lost weight, that was great, but admitting that I had yet another serious flaw, that took courage, and now I have a lovely reminder.

As I laid on the table to get my piercing I asked my self how I felt. I felt really good. I ate 2 meals that day, I was in the company of one of my dearest friends and I felt the weight of the morning completely gone.  Sometimes people need help with some things. I don’t like to be needy and ask for help but I am really proud to say that I’ve asked loud and clear to multiple people who are all helping me get this life of mine and ours in control and functioning in a healthy and happy way. I have a lot of issues, a lot. Admitting that they were there and real, was really hard to come to grips with but I think I finally know where I stand. I’m a wreck, but I’m not going to be for too long.

And now I have a sexy tummy, one that will get fed everyday.