Don’t Watch This if You’re Squeemish and A Real Life Confession

When I was going through my process of losing weight last year I set myself up with a goal and a reward. The deal I made with myself was that once I reached 125 I could get my navel pierced (so 1990’s, I know, sexy none the less) but when I did drop down to 125 I still was feeling the fat-girl mentality and wasn’t satisfied that I had lost enough weight. I didn’t get the piercing but planned to do it still, once I was feeling good about my body.

In the months following the 125 milestone I lost more weight and joined a gym. The elliptical machine was my heaven. I actually refered to it as my “lover” because of how great it made me feel and how fantastic it was making my body look. I was at the gym religiously every day for months, only taking one day, at the very most two, off each week. I was capable of staying on that machine for an hour each day and worked my resistance level between an 8 and a 20, doing intervals of 30 seconds and 2 minutes. You could not pinch a centimeter of my skin, not anywhere on my body. I looked and felt fantastic.

Although I was still well within my healthy weight range, people weren’t used to me looking so thin. I was all muscle and that made me look much leaner than I actually was. Almost everyday people asked me if I was anorexic, I was too thin and looked unhealthy. It made me so angry, here I was, in the best shape of my life, in control of my body and people thought I was starving myself. This gave me a body complex of another kind and I still didn’t want to get my piercing.

Now that I haven’t worked out in almost a year I have little to no muscle mass. I feel fat again, I haven’t gained any weight, but my skin is far from tight. I miss my lover. Oh, how I hope one day we will reunite.

What’s funny is people sometimes still ask me if I am anorexic and I still take offence. After having a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday morning and a long freestyle therapy session with my close friend and neighbor I finally admitted out loud to her, and myself, that I do have an eating disorder. It was something I had to really come to grips with. I didn’t even realize that I really had a problem until she flat-out asked me if I was eating. I just cried out “NO” without a thought. My mind was forcing me to be more honest than I was for so long. I wasn’t hiding anything out of shame or anything, I just didn’t recognize that I had yet another issue. It’s been a very long cycle of me going for days where I don’t eat anything, not on purpose, I don’t even realize it’s happening, to be honest. Then when I finally realize how hungry I am I will binge eat anything I can get my hands on and the cycle starts again.

Anyway, what this has to do with me getting my navel pierced… I kept putting it off because I didn’t like my body. Now that my health has changed I hate my body, but finally, it’s not about the way it looks, it’s about how it feels. I thought it was time to give myself my reward because it’s long overdue and I am proud of myself for finally recognizing what I have been doing to my body for so long. I bet once I get my body nourished and take control of this aspect of my life again I will feel much better. I’ve decided that I’m going back to Weight Watchers, not to lose weight, but to remember how to eat, daily, healthy. It’s just going to be another tool in my rather large-sized toolbox I am lucky to have to get my life in control.

My neighbor said, “pay attention to the moment. Not the past you, not the future you, just the present you.” These past few years, and especially this one, I’ve been looking back and forward and neglecting the now. I need to focus on NOW or nothing will get any better. Now is the time. She told me to ask myself when I feel like I am losing my mind, or doing something without knowing why, to center myself in the now. Ask myself how I feel, ask myself if I’ve eaten, ask myself, what I can do to make my life better NOW. If it isn’t going to make me feel better or move me in a positive direction, not to do it. I felt good on that table, last night, and today I think that piercing is more symbolic than I thought it would be. Yeah, I lost weight, that was great, but admitting that I had yet another serious flaw, that took courage, and now I have a lovely reminder.

As I laid on the table to get my piercing I asked my self how I felt. I felt really good. I ate 2 meals that day, I was in the company of one of my dearest friends and I felt the weight of the morning completely gone. Β Sometimes people need help with some things. I don’t like to be needy and ask for help but I am really proud to say that I’ve asked loud and clear to multiple people who are all helping me get this life of mine and ours in control and functioning in a healthy and happy way. I have a lot of issues, a lot. Admitting that they were there and real, was really hard to come to grips with but I think I finally know where I stand. I’m a wreck, but I’m not going to be for too long.

And now I have a sexy tummy, one that will get fed everyday.

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22 thoughts on “Don’t Watch This if You’re Squeemish and A Real Life Confession

    1. Yes, I needed help getting the video online and had to take advantage of my friend here heping me but didn’t want to write while he was here. Now I need to add a little story so people will know why the heck I put this up lol
      Polly is so pretty!

  1. Wow – so much content here – I hardly know what to say…

    I’m glad you are getting in touch with your body today and feeding it today. I’m glad you are doing things for yourself that feel good.

    I love your neighbor’s advice – can I call her/him? I need to talk. πŸ™‚

    1. She gave really great advice, she is just getting out of a depression tunnel so it’s all fresh in her mind. I keep thinking about all of the things she said to me; I think she gave me a lot of courage just knowing that someone else knew exactly how I was dealing with things before I even did πŸ™‚

  2. I think that you are one of the bravest people I know–you write so honestly about your issues and bare your soul without flinching. I admire that in you. I want to be like you when I grow up.
    Also, you are very brave to get your belly pierced! I watched your video, wondering if I would be able to do that, and the answer came to me very quickly…NOT A CHANCE! lol But good for you for finally going through with it. And once you’re feeling better you can learn how to belly dance, and your navel jewels will look awesome!

    1. I would love to belly dance, I will need to check with Girly (above) I know she has been doing that! I’m not sure if I am brave or just so eager to change my life. I think all of these issues are surrounding me because I’ve ignored them for too long. Better late than never. It was hard for me to write that, the words came easy but it wasn’t easy to publish. I worried all day that I had shared too much, but I’m facing my demons head on so I can move ahead positivly. Plus now I know I won’t run out of things to talk about in therapy lol

  3. I agree with Sylvia, I salute your courage not only for facing this but also writing about it..Your friend has some great advice…
    live in the now..take care of yourself now and everything else will fall into place

    1. Yes, the now. I mentioned before how I spend so much time daydreaming, which is good in some respects, but when you are up against a solid wall like I am, dealing with the now is a better plan. I look forward to the future, but it finally makes sence that I need to get there by fixing things, not just thinking they will fix themselves.

      I also think by writing about all of these things I might help other people face what they are going through. I have a lot of baggage, but I know I am not the only one. Maybe someone will relate and find comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. I’ve covered a broad range of disfunction on this blog, I know at least a few people have been effects by similar problems.

  4. You probably don’t see it, but you are such an amazingly brave person. To admit this to the internet, and more importantly yourself, takes such strength. I always find writing things makes them real, and hopefully making them real is the first step to making them history.

    As once said by accident (and my friend made it her life motto), do what makes you happy now because you cant know the future or change the past.

    1. I love your saying, a great bonus to that is if you are doing what makes you happy (and healthy) now your future will always be brighter. Recognizing the problem is always the hardest step to get to I think. Onward ho! I checked my baggage at the door and I’m not looking back!

  5. I have a belly button piercing too. Don’t know how long ago you got yours, but I found that actually getting it pierced didn’t hurt. The weeks after it did! πŸ™‚ But I still have mine and I still love that it’s kind of sexy and shows a little of my “funky” side. Congratulations on all that you have overcome in order to show off that tiny little trophy that means so much for you!

    1. I just did it 2 nights ago. The actual piercing didn’t hurt at all, much less than some of the others I’ve had in the past, but it is sore as hell right now. I was thinking it was the fibro, so I am really glad you said yours hurt for a few weeks. I might have a little bit of normal left in me after all. πŸ™‚
      I got mine for the reasons you said, sexy and suprizing!

  6. What a beautiful and honest post. I’m so sorry to hear this disorder has been plaguing you for so long. I like your plan of going back to Weight Watchers and think it’ll be a good way to keep an eye on things. Look forward to hearing about your recovery… sending you lots of good wishes.

    1. Thanks Aimee! I think the way I was feeling in my head about my life is what created the problem. You know when you are stressed or depressed the last thing you are thinking about is natural habits. I’m really glad I listen to my neighbor and finally told her the truth, I want to be healthy and happy, that’s really important, not just for me, but for everyone.

  7. NAVEL PIERCINGS ARE NOT 90ies! I got mine in 2005, waaaay off! I was 18 and had it done with my best friend, first me, than her. It didn’t hurt at all, and I couldn’t stop pulling my shirt up for the first six months. They are very sexy, I think so, too!
    Good you turned yours into a symbolic meaning and one day you will feel right with your health again, I am sure. Good neighbor’s advice, I’ve learned the same last month: Live in the moment. That’s the only thing that counts. How we often like to forget…

    1. It’s something that I am not accustomed with doing, I have to keep reminding myself of this new approach! You are right, it didn’t hurt, it’s just sore now.

  8. From the pictures you have up and that video, your body looks great. But you should definitely feed yourself. Our bodies need high-quality fuel, especially for breakfast. πŸ˜‰

    Don’t worry so much about looking muscular.Did you know that fibro patients don’t make as much Human Growth Hormone as normal people do? Most are below the 50th percentile and the rest below the 20th percentile.
    It takes me approximately oh, FOREVER to build up enough muscles to actually show up when I flex them. So don’t feel bad if you don’t get back to that super-toned body, just concentrate on staying healthy. The rest will fall into place. Well, most of the time it will.

    1. Fibro keeps getting better and better, grrr. Healthiness is the main objective though. I really hope everything does fall into place, and rather sooner than later. Thanks for the info, when I finally get back to working out at least I won’t be as frustrated now with knowing that!

  9. Also, I forgot to say that I totally identify with the piercing! When I was 17 I really wanted to get my eyebrow pierced (it was actually the 90’s-heehee) and although I could have done it at 18, I had vowed to wait until I was 21 to make sure I still wanted to do it. I ended up still wanting it so I did. Still have the holes. πŸ˜‰

    1. I’ve had a lot of piercings in my days, the best thing about them is that they can be removed. I miss the ones I had very much, but think I am just too old to have a tounge ring anymore! This one can be hidden πŸ˜€

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