Where I Used to Skip, I Now Watch Clouds

There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds.  ~G.K. Chesterton

Today when I was in my doctor’s office the reality of my condition finally hit my like a ton of bricks. I am disabled. This isn’t going away. Sure, I am fairly positive for the most part (though you may disagree as I’ve written of a few break downs here already) but there are some moments of depression that come over me that feel so heavy it’s as if they are pushing me to the ground.

I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately, more than normal even, trying to romanticize this tragedy that my life has turned into in a short few months. I’ve been telling myself I’ll be a writer, I’ll make some money and be happy doing something I love. I fantasize I will win a huge jackpot from the lottery, because my horoscope tells me that things are going to change. I pretend that I will fall in love again, this time with a man who will appreciate and nurture my creative and free spirit. I give myself pep talks that the kids will suddenly stop giving me a hard time and that Huz and I will be able to be friends.

I haven’t been very realistic and for what ever reason something in me snapped to and the reality hit me today.

I can’t go on daydreaming like this, can I? How can I keep telling myself everything is just going to work itself out. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life now and the daydreams I mentioned above only happen in the movies. I’m pretty sure that my Mom is worrying that I am daydreaming too much also. No matter how many times I tell her I will be fine and things will work out and that I am working on my plan I can see that she doesn’t believe in me.

Why would it all work out though?

Before I was injured and was able, I skipped around quite a bit. Through parking lots, up my driveway, down the sidewalk. The act of skipping immediately brought a smile to my face every time. I loved skipping for that feeling of the little bounce in your stomach, the heat of your heart beating a little faster and the sight of everything in your view coming a little faster towards you. I loved that minute or so that I felt carefree, the memory the action brought back of feeling like a child.

Now, when I sit on my back steps I look up at the sky and watch the clouds. I search for resemblances of familiar objects, hoping to see a sign that my future is going to be beautiful. I get lost in the watching, caught up in the searching and can feel my spirit lighten. My heart beats a bit steadier and my breathing slows down as I gaze for answers in the sky. Watching the clouds now reminds me a bit of the skipping I loved to do. It takes me back to my memories of laying in the grass as a child with my brother and giggling. Just for the a few moments a day I escape now I get to feel carefree and lighthearted.

Maybe it’s good that I am  a daydreamer, I always thought I would meet higher goals if I had bigger dreams. Daydreaming alone isn’t going to change my life though and that is the reality that hit me in the examination room and stuck with me this afternoon when I last stared at the sky.

I understand that no one can give me the answers or tell me what the future holds but today I am feeling so desperate to know. What am I going to do with this new life of mine that is suddenly so limited? How can I make a difference in the world when I am struggling so hard to re-learn how to just function in mine? How do you make your dreams come true?

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Where I Used to Skip, I Now Watch Clouds

  1. Sometimes I wish I had the answers to everything, but then where’s the mystery and curiosity? I’m a bit impatient though, so I don’t really like the ‘not knowing.’ I have faith that all will work out for you. Stay positive love…all of your blog family is here for you. 🙂

  2. Ginger I second caroline’s comments. You are doing a wonderful job at being positive, your thoughts shown above are fine, fine to feel. Great things are in store for you ginger as you want them don’t you? You are in control of your destiny, aside the pain you still are and must remember so however hard that is. Xx

    1. I do want great things, I’m just not sire if they ate realistic. It’s like I’m starting life all over and it’s scary. It could be very exciting actually, once I just moved beyond this fear. It’s really hard to accept that I have limitations now, that I think is the hardest part. I will be fine tho, and I really want to be great.

  3. Trust me, if you don’t daydream, you’ll go nuts! Couple the dreaming with a small amount of action and you’d be surprised what can happen. I have a tendency to do the same, so I always make sure to carve out time every day for my (often ridiculous) fantasies. Everyone escapes, not just the disabled. Our dreams are what drives us, even when we feel like we have no drive.
    There will be ups and downs, but every day I strive for more ups. Of course, venting and even the occasional pity party are totally allowed. Just be sure to invite me, I HATE to miss a good party.

    1. Hi Meghan, thanks for commenting and thanks for your encouraging words. I’ve always been a daydreamer and I’ve even always liked that about myself. I believe everything you said to be true. My issue though is that I feel like I’m daydreaming all day and not heading towards anything. I know all of this has just happened recently and I should give myself some time to just let it sink in, I just don’t want to waste my life away. Does that make sence? I know this isn’t going away but I find myself thinking that it will and I don’t know if that’s normal and how to make myself stop. Do you have any tips on accepting this new life and figuring out how to push forward after you were diagnosed?

      1. It makes perfect sense, that’s why I try to schedule my daydreaming time and move on for the day when it’s over. Sometimes I even take a whole day (usually a day I have to rest and recover anyway).
        Remission is possible, so it’s not unreasonable to think that while it may not be going away, it can get better.
        As for when it was new, I can trace the start of my symptoms back to when I was 9 years old, so I’ve lived with it for a very long time. It was actually sort of a relief to be diagnosed. I found out I wasn’t crazy, lazy or incompetent. I was also able to take charge of my health once I found out what on earth was wrong with me. But I think it’s ok to mourn for your health, and for the energetic person you used to be.
        You can still be active, but it will be different now. You have to approach exercise differently and make sure to set aside time to recover. This can be very difficult when others depend on you, but sometimes you just have to let the house stay dirty (HATE that, I’m a total neat freak with 3 dogs in my house) or let the lawn be shaggy in order to have that recovery time.
        I wish fibro was a ‘one size fits all’ illness, but it can vary widely from person to person. I can only tell people what has worked for me. Some things that certainly can’t hurt are cutting out aspartame, MSG, high fructose corn syrup and highly refined foods (white flour and processed sugar). And eating lots of green leafy veggies (full of magnesium) and fruits.
        If you aren’t already taking a magnesium malate supplement and it won’t interact with any of your meds, I reccomend trying it. And there are also a few multivitamins targeted specifically for fibro.
        I still have flares from time to time, but they aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be, and they’re fewer and farther between.
        One day at a time!

  4. Hi Ginger, this was a great post which I felt came from deep inside of you. It’s great that you “journal” out your feelings and please never stop dreaming. I cannot imagine anyone would ever suggest not to dream! Dream big!
    The other day I saw the movie Soul Surfer. If you have not, I do suggest it as a great movie for you and your kids. I re-read your about me, and Ginger, that is who you are. You may not be able to do all that you use to but you will find your way. God gives to us what he knows we can handle and he has a plan for you. Dream and act on your dreams the best you can, better days and good things are ahead of you.

    1. I’ll have to look for the movie and save it for one of my bad days, thanks for the suggestion. Thank you so much for your encouragement, I think I need to re-read my about me because I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. Not such a very bad thing, it will just take some getting used to. Thanks again, I do like to dream big 🙂

  5. Ginger, I have been mulling over what you’ve shared since you posted it. What can I say that hasn’t already been said above (and probably better)? Except maybe that I keep cheering you on!
    You inspire me.
    Lynda

    1. Thanks Lynda, I am very surprised that you would say I inspire you, but that comment has certianly put a cheesey smile on my face none the less 🙂 You are a wonderful person and you inspire me too. You make me want to buy a farm and appreiciate the important things in life!

  6. Ginger I have a friend who is doing a master in alternative medicine..she shared this article today on facebook and I thought you might be interested in reading it

    http://www.holisticonline.com/Remedies/cfs/fib_nutrition.htm

    this is her reply when I asked her if there is any more info she can give to help
    Hi Sawsan, actually this is a good article and will provide her with many good tips, however, people are getting great help from consulting a qualified Holistic practitioner, it could be one or combination of natural approaches such as Naturopathy, Homeopathy, and Chiropractic care.
    I posted earlier that D-ribose can help improving sleep, energy, pain, and mental clarity by improving cellular energy.
    It all depends of her health history and current state of health and medications to defined what supplements and dosage she can take, that’s why the best is to have a consultation first.
    ‎Superfoods Galore have been GREAT for fibromyalgia as it gives the body a great amount of nutrition, helps with inflammation and detoxing as well.

    She also shared this article on detox
    http://www.huldaclarkzappers.com/php2/cleanses.php

    I really hope this helps

    1. Sawsan, you are so so sweet to think of me and ask for information. It means the world to me that you could be so kind. I will be reading the article right now. Thank you again for being so thoughtful.

  7. ginger, keep dreaming. dream big. wish. wonder. and keep looking to the skies. we have no idea where life will take us, but every turn, every bump, every joy adds to who we are. i cannot imagine the pain & fear that you must be feeling, but i can say with certainty that your positive, creative, free-spirited self has touched me & many others just through this blog. take care, and keep dreaming!! xx

    1. Thanks Liz, I actually think all of my worry and self-pressure that day combined with everyones encouraging words actually pointed me in a direction. I found some much needed inspiration and stumbled upon some yesterday. All night and this morning I’ve been brainstorming and getting hopeful about some realistic dreams I can chase! I’m very excited and have some research to do, which I love doing. Wish me luck and thanks for your encouragement! 😀

  8. Another nice, reflecting thought!

    The truth is that NO ONE knows what lies ahead of us. Reality is highly overestimated, did you know this? Who defines reality? Everyone’s reality is different. There is no true reality and please don’t try to strive for it.
    Your outlook is very positive, admiringly positive. We all have those down days and trust me, you’ll get over them and laugh at these once you’re better. You have more reason than anyone else to feel low but I wouldn’t recommend you do. Illnesses tend to heal better when your psychological perspective is healthy as opposed to depressed.
    Don’t think about what others think or if you could be friends with your ex one day. All pieces will fall into place eventually. And do you really want to know your future? The future is written by yourself. The actions you take today will determine your outcomes tomorrow, believe it or not. Not even a fortune-teller or palm-reader can give you definites, only the potentials you are capable of achieving. So keep it all mellow, you’re on your right way, you’ve already started loving yourself instead of trying to make others love you!

    Oh, and how do you make your (day) dreams come true? You start believing in yourself! Day after day after day…

    1. You are so right about EVERY SINGLE thing you said. Thank you for that realistic reminder, which was perfect! I suppose all in all I don’t want to know the future, I just want to know that I will be okay. I will be though because I am a fighter and I control my future, like you said!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s