There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds. ~G.K. Chesterton
Today when I was in my doctor’s office the reality of my condition finally hit my like a ton of bricks. I am disabled. This isn’t going away. Sure, I am fairly positive for the most part (though you may disagree as I’ve written of a few break downs here already) but there are some moments of depression that come over me that feel so heavy it’s as if they are pushing me to the ground.
I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately, more than normal even, trying to romanticize this tragedy that my life has turned into in a short few months. I’ve been telling myself I’ll be a writer, I’ll make some money and be happy doing something I love. I fantasize I will win a huge jackpot from the lottery, because my horoscope tells me that things are going to change. I pretend that I will fall in love again, this time with a man who will appreciate and nurture my creative and free spirit. I give myself pep talks that the kids will suddenly stop giving me a hard time and that Huz and I will be able to be friends.
I haven’t been very realistic and for what ever reason something in me snapped to and the reality hit me today.
I can’t go on daydreaming like this, can I? How can I keep telling myself everything is just going to work itself out. I have no idea what I am going to do with my life now and the daydreams I mentioned above only happen in the movies. I’m pretty sure that my Mom is worrying that I am daydreaming too much also. No matter how many times I tell her I will be fine and things will work out and that I am working on my plan I can see that she doesn’t believe in me.
Why would it all work out though?
Before I was injured and was able, I skipped around quite a bit. Through parking lots, up my driveway, down the sidewalk. The act of skipping immediately brought a smile to my face every time. I loved skipping for that feeling of the little bounce in your stomach, the heat of your heart beating a little faster and the sight of everything in your view coming a little faster towards you. I loved that minute or so that I felt carefree, the memory the action brought back of feeling like a child.
Now, when I sit on my back steps I look up at the sky and watch the clouds. I search for resemblances of familiar objects, hoping to see a sign that my future is going to be beautiful. I get lost in the watching, caught up in the searching and can feel my spirit lighten. My heart beats a bit steadier and my breathing slows down as I gaze for answers in the sky. Watching the clouds now reminds me a bit of the skipping I loved to do. It takes me back to my memories of laying in the grass as a child with my brother and giggling. Just for the a few moments a day I escape now I get to feel carefree and lighthearted.
Maybe it’s good that I am a daydreamer, I always thought I would meet higher goals if I had bigger dreams. Daydreaming alone isn’t going to change my life though and that is the reality that hit me in the examination room and stuck with me this afternoon when I last stared at the sky.
I understand that no one can give me the answers or tell me what the future holds but today I am feeling so desperate to know. What am I going to do with this new life of mine that is suddenly so limited? How can I make a difference in the world when I am struggling so hard to re-learn how to just function in mine? How do you make your dreams come true?