It would be much faster to write about the things that are going smoothly in my life right now, but it wouldn’t quite make sense to do such a thing because, well, there just wouldn’t be more than a sentence to write about.
I feel like everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong, until tomorrow, that is, when I find out what other things could go wrong when the do go wrong.
I mean, I haven’t jumped in front of a moving vehicle out of desperation yet, so it’s wise for me to assume there is bound to more trouble to deal with. Please, believe me when I say I don’t want to deal with anymore negative issues, bad news or broken things that I will need to fix, replace and otherwise stress over, but at the rate things have been going I’m expecting that I’ll be served with some more obstacles; regardless as to whether I can handle them or not.
I don’t normally like to bitch and although I do, sometimes, complain, I try not to and think myself as fairly positive person in terms of life and all of the mishaps one finds themselves in. I am certainly not a chronic complainer and (generally speaking) if something is wrong I internalize it until it passes or reaches until I reach the point in which I feel as though I am going to explode, and only then I become verbal.
I am going to explode.
I think if I write all of my gripes down, I will benefit by creating a bigger picture for myself and also may make me feel better and (hopefully) come up with some solutions to fix what I can and face what I can’t.
Before I get to my gripes I want to cross two things off of my list. I packed Huz’s stuff and stole ALL of his drawers. High Mother Effin Five! Of course, it took me four days to get it done because I move like an old lady, but I felt good in spirit to get things moving along. Eventually, I’ll have to move all of the bags out of my hallway, but hey, I’m celebrating baby steps here. The second thing I’m crossing off is cleaning out the fridge. It wasn’t hard, as there was no food in there but it was hard because it hurt like hell and I had to take like 3 breaks during the clean out. It took me over 2 and a half hours (pathetic!) to get it done but it felt great to get something accomplished and now the 26 year old fridge looks rather purdy, if not sparkling clean.
Okay on to what the hell has gone wrong in my life that makes me want to bury my head in the sand…
1. Huz assault – mental and physical coping required
2. Marriage over – mental coping required
3. Court postponed (so far 3 times on 2 separate trials)
4. Vacuum broken
5. Hip displaced
6. Extreme endless pain
7. Being treated for Fibromyalgia
8. Daughter stuck my super expensive memory card in my $1300 computer’s CD rom drive. Now I need to pay to get it removed but can’t carry it into the Apple store
9. Short term disability= lack of 1/3 of my paycheck= NO MONEY. I’m screwed
10. Isaac in more trouble at school
11. Car’s check engine light came on yesterday
12. Health insurance doesn’t cover much of any type of counseling; $40 co-pay per person/per visit in network. Councilors recommended are out of network and require on-going return visits
13. Facing close to $1000 in co-pays as of now and just waiting for the effing bills to arrive in the mail
Okay, that is the brunt of it. I know there are some other things that I can’t think of right now but I’m too exhausted to press my brain about this any further. All of these things either require a lot of money, that I don’t have or for me to be in a healthy mental/physical state, which I am not.
This might be my worst post ever, and I’m sorry that it is, I just needed to vent. Oddly and thankfully, I do feel a bit better just admitting that I’m overwhelmed and panicked. I know I will overcome all of this and I can’t help but think God is laying it on thick just to prove to me how strong I am. He wouldn’t give me what I couldn’t handle, right?