B*tch Slapped by the Universe

It would be much faster to write about the things that are going smoothly in my life right now, but it wouldn’t quite make sense to do such a thing because, well, there just wouldn’t be more than a sentence to write about.

I feel like everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong, until tomorrow, that is, when I find out what other things could go wrong when the do go wrong.

I mean, I haven’t jumped in front of a moving vehicle out of desperation yet, so it’s wise for me to assume there is bound to more trouble to deal with. Please, believe me when I say I don’t want to deal with anymore negative issues, bad news or broken things that I will need to fix, replace and otherwise stress over, but at the rate things have been going I’m expecting that I’ll be served with some more obstacles; regardless as to whether I can handle them or not.

I don’t normally like to bitch and although I do, sometimes, complain, I try not to and think myself as fairly positive person in terms of life and all of the mishaps one finds themselves in. I am certainly not a chronic complainer and (generally speaking) if something is wrong I internalize it until it passes or reaches until I reach the point in which I feel as though I am going to explode, and only then I become verbal.

I am going to explode.

I think if I write all of my gripes down, I will benefit by creating a bigger picture for myself and also may make me feel better and (hopefully) come up with some solutions to fix what I can and face what I can’t.

Before I get to my gripes I want to cross two things off of my list. I packed Huz’s stuff and stole ALL of his drawers. High Mother Effin Five! Of course, it took me four days to get it done because I move like an old lady, but I felt good in spirit to get things moving along. Eventually, I’ll have to move all of the bags out of my hallway, but hey, I’m celebrating baby steps here. The second thing I’m crossing off is cleaning out the fridge. It wasn’t hard, as there was no food in there but it was hard because it hurt like hell and I had to take like 3 breaks during the clean out. It took me over 2 and a half hours (pathetic!) to get it done but it felt great to get something accomplished and now the 26 year old fridge looks rather purdy, if not sparkling clean.

Okay on to what the hell has gone wrong in my life that makes me want to bury my head in the sand…

1. Huz assault – mental and physical coping required

2. Marriage over – mental coping required

3. Court postponed (so far 3 times on 2 separate trials)

4. Vacuum broken

5. Hip displaced

6. Extreme endless pain

7. Being treated for Fibromyalgia

8. Daughter stuck my super expensive memory card in my $1300 computer’s CD rom drive. Now I need to pay to get it removed but can’t carry it into the Apple store

9. Short term disability= lack of 1/3 of my paycheck= NO MONEY. I’m screwed

10. Isaac in more trouble at school

11. Car’s check engine light came on yesterday

12. Health insurance doesn’t cover much of any type of counseling; $40 co-pay per person/per visit in network. Councilors  recommended are out of network and require on-going return visits

13. Facing close to $1000 in co-pays as of now and just waiting for the effing bills to arrive in the mail

Okay, that is the brunt of it. I know there are some other things that I can’t think of right now but I’m too exhausted to press my brain about this any further. All of these things either require a lot of money, that I don’t have or  for me to be in a healthy  mental/physical state, which I am not.

This might be my worst post ever, and I’m sorry that it is, I just needed to vent. Oddly and thankfully, I do feel a bit better just admitting that I’m overwhelmed and panicked. I know I will overcome all of this and I can’t help but think God is laying it on thick just to prove to me how strong I am. He wouldn’t give me what I couldn’t handle, right?

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25 thoughts on “B*tch Slapped by the Universe

  1. Holy shitballs. I don’t even know what to say.

    You are correct; God wouldn’t give you more than you can handle and I think focusing on that can help you get through this. I am looking at your list again and again and I wish there was one thing I could help you with; just anything. I wish I lived closer so I could at least help with some of the things on your list. I am so sorry. I really wish I knew what to say. I am here for you if you need anything. Just let me know. Hang in there. Love you!

    1. Thanks Dacia, I love you too. I think at this point I should just accept that things are tough right now and do the best I can. No use in stressing because it won’t change anything for the better, only make it worse. Chin up and move forward!

  2. Wow, that’s um… tough. It’ll get better in the end, and until it does, good vibes your way.

    It might sound silly, but every night before i go to bed i write a list of my favourite 5 things of the day. Some days it’s as simple as “I gave 60p to the homeless man” or “I really liked my sandwich I had at lunch” . I find it helps me go to sleep with good thoughts

  3. Thanks, I think that is a great idea, I’m going to do it tonight. I have a pretty little journal I never used yet. I’ll make it my “I’m thankful for..” and do exactly what you recommended. It’s a wonderful idea, thank you and I know it will help!

  4. Oh my God!
    I actually had to read (hip displacement) 3 times to make sure I was reading it right!
    I wish I could say or do anything to make it better..I really wish I was close to you so that I could help in any form or way..
    But sadly I am not…all I can offer is to be there to listen whenever you need to talk..vent all you like, it helps. Even if only to let it out so you don’t explode..
    I agree with Dacia..when God give burdens he gives shoulders..
    keep telling yourself that you can get through this..it will pass..just don’t give up..
    and if there is ANYTHING I can do..please let me know

    1. Thank you so much for your concern. I am trying really hard not to feel so down and every day I am accepting things for what they are and feeling a bit more hopeful. I’m glad to know what the pain is from, it was extremely nerve wracking when I didn’t know. My hip will heal in time, it is the Fibromyalgia that I am fearful of the most but if it is true dwelling and stressing is only going to irritate the condition worse. I’m going to get through this and eventually I am going to help other people, I know I can make a difference and maybe this is why all of this is happening to me.

      I am making your apple pizza today and plan on writing a post later (it is going to be my make a pie resolution pizza.. pie… get it?!) I bought all of the ingredients and do you remember me telling you how afraid of yeast I am? Well, I’m still scared, so I am going to be taking a short cut… Store bought dough from the freezer section! It won’t be as delish as your home made dough but at least I’m giving it a go! I’m also baking the streusel all at once as you suggested, I agree with you, it might be better that way! Stay tuned and thank you again for all of your kind and loving support!

  5. When I went through a very similar time I was lucky to have friends to go have dinner with and do simple fun things with…focus on those good friends, they will pull you through…we took theatre courses together and it was like camp for adults…you need to laugh even when you feel rotten.
    Love and praise your kids, they need you more than ever.
    Ask your doctor about swimming or water therapy for your hip trouble…I have some trouble with that but I need to lose weight so there you go,,,anyway live for the moment and give your worries to God, let go of them. Sending you healing thoughts.

    1. Thank you for your advice, I’ve actually been spending a lot of time talking to my mom and my sister because I don’t have that many friends. I have been so wrapped up in my relationship with him that I’ve lost touch with the friends I did have. Live and learn. I’m happy to have my mom and sister, it means the world to me as I had lost touch with them (especially mom) over the course of my relationship as well.
      I am in physical therapy a few times a week and right now I’m just getting stretched and massaged. My ortho requested water therapy but I’m not there yet.
      Thank you for your words and encouragement and advice, it really means a lot and makes me feel hopeful.

  6. Good god, not the easiest run of things happening!
    I think if venting helps by blogging, vent away, get it out and self-cleanse your mind and head and body. Writing it down helps so much, and you need to do ANYTHING that helps YOU right now…
    I’ve always believed you have to LOOK AFTER NUMBER ONE! (ok, I realise you have kids so you need to treat it not quite as literally)… BUT the main thing is focus on you, and take on each of these shitty things one by one… and vent vent vent (I’m sure it must be proven to help!)
    Get it out, and keep going…
    You seem like a very very strong woman. Keep ploughing Ginger. Times are hard now, but go forth, you’ll get through it!

    1. What bothers me the most about all of this (honestly) is that I’ve lost my sence of humor. I don’t laugh or joke or smile or be a smart ass. It’s killing me, I’ve lost it, I’m sure it’s only temporary but so much in the way I naturally write has been missing since all of this trouble began. I do feel good to get it out, but at the same time I feel as though this isnt me. In October of last year I actually told my hairdresser that I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, now 7 months later I am in the worst place I’ve ever been in my life. Did I jinx myself? Will I ever find that inner happiness I felt for that brief time? I’m ready to move on, when will I be strong enough to actually do it? Writing does help but I want to write about what makes me happy. Looking at my list now almost depresses me because I feel like there are so many things that can’t be accomplished. It depresses me more but I’m gonna do what I can, this list was to prove what I can do, if I physically can’t or financially can’t I shouldn’t beat myself up. It’s just hard not to.

  7. Ginger, don’t worry about the sense of humour – it is not gone and it will bounce back! As for feeling like you are not being yourself, not being positive etc… ok, i can’t relate to the whole heap of crap you’re dealing with right now, but this is normal. even on the small scale people go through this, and you will come back, i bet stronger than ever! being negative, for a time, any period of time (so long as not permanent – im just not into that) being a bit negative, when it’s needed… IS fine!
    Don’t beat yourself up.
    remember – look after number one, and you’ll get there. chin up girl, just remember the mantra…

  8. Hi again..good to see your comment, your sense of humour will bring you through a great deal, it’s still there. Money worries can be such a drag on the spirit so my advice is to go to a reputable financial planner, I use my credit union which is like a bank, but ask around and find a good adviser, be careful don’t just go to “anyone”, my guy helped me a lot just recently..it makes you feel more in control, do your resarch , ask family or friends but I think it’s best to go to a regular bank or credit union for professional advice on money issues, believe me I understand. Be brave and do this for yourself and your kids.
    Maeve Binchy, the Irish authour said in a video that I watched that we (women) in this case must” play the hand we are dealt”…sometimes it is a difficult hand but it’s all how you handle it and play it.
    I am rotten at copy and pasting poems etc but try to look up the poem DESIDERATA on line, run it off and read it every day. I have it on my wall and am looking at it right now and thinking of what you are going through. The final lines of the poem” With all the shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.” ( if you can’t find it i will get my techy son to copy and save it for me so I can send it along. Sending those healing thoughts again!!!

    1. I read the poem and it fits perfectly into what I’ve been feeling. Thank you for sending it to me, it is a beautiful poem and so true. I might hang this up as you have.

  9. I think Dacia said it right: “holy shit balls!”

    Girl, I have absolutely nothing uplifting to offer you…except if I could, I’d clean your house for you, fix you supper full of gravy and butter and carbs, make you watch Steve Martin movies from the 80’s, and plop a big ol’ bag o’ money in your lap.

    But I can’t…

    …so instead, I’ll just keep sending positive vibes your way and keep hoping that you know how special and wonderful you are.

    Hugs, girl…hugs. …this, too, shall pass… ❤

    1. Oh Yerttle, that sounds like a perfect day, carbs, Steve Martin and money! I love your good vibes, keep ’em coming baby! I think they just might be working! Love!

  10. I think my initial response to this post was probably something similar to “holy shit balls”, too. That’s a lot of terrible stuff to be dealing with, especially all at once.

    But hang in there. Things will get better. And I’m sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

  11. i have been thinking of you this past week…in light of your present circumstances, would it be helpful for yourself to receive bodywork?

    the schools in california have student clinics opened to the public at reduced rates compared to health and/or medical spas. the continuing/graduating students have a venue to offer service to the community through these clinics and the community has an alternative venue to recieve healing and support from those studying the healing arts and committed to their personal healing. the schools also take names for those interested in being available bodies for certain class curriculums. some classes have odd numbers of attending students, and or during finals we need more bodies in the classroom, so that may be another way to have access in a win/win situation. your displaced hip may be a physical contraindication for some modalities, and but i offer this possibility as it is option that i have personal experience from as a student of healing arts.

    the energy based massages are not so touchy and physically manipulative, and can balance energies, chakras, realease vivid dreams and evoke whatever is ready to come up for healing. the muscular massages are offered for relaxation, pain/tension releases. whatever modalities you try can be immediatley and or ultimately supportive in ways beyond words…hope this is helpful if not now, perhaps down the line. i offer this as a possibility, not a prescription. please consult with your physician.

    1. Thank you for thinking of me, really, it means so much that you are being supportive and kindly offering help. Unfortunately I am a far cry from California, I’m located on the east coast. I have a great physical therapist who has been focusing on the muscle groups that are causing all of my various issues including my hip. He’s also taught me meditation and I’ve been told to practice 3 times a day. I’m getting better with it and find that while it only gives me temporary relief of pain, it is better than none. I think the more I practice the better I will get and it will be beneficial in the long term. Thank you again for thinking of me, just knowing that there are kind people in this world like you bring a sence of comfort. Have a great night and week 🙂

  12. i hope that one of the many gifts in this “pain” is that there is a “door” to a deeper journey to the Higher Self, alluding to the door you have recently finished with the sign of LOVE right next to it.

    i look forward to you seeing yourself whole, healthy, perfected by divine love and attending to this present self going through a period of transition and speaking to her quietly with trust, peace and knowing exactly that you are going to come through this better than you can now imagine…and the kids are going to grow through these times with more depth and compassion. There is another generation that longs to be raised, so they may rise to something worthy; so that they know to seek true gold in the darkest hours.

    1. I read this comment last night, just before falling asleep. You gave me very positive thoughts to think about. No tears, no worries, just hope and willingness to move forward. Thank you so much!

  13. Hi Ginger – I’m new to your blog and haven’t read very much so I don’t have much to offer on this very personal post of yours except to acknowledge that that is a long list of issues for a person to have to deal with at one time – especially the chronic physical pain. I believe in positive thinking because it takes me out of dark times – but sometimes a good howling cry, an hour of acknowledging/wallowing deep sorrow & fear can be cathartic. And then realize that you will get past this and you will look back one day and say, man, that was tough but I’m still here and doin’ alright now. My heart goes out to you while you struggle – but I know you will make it through.

    1. Thank you Girly, for reading, for commenting and mostly for offering advice. I can’t help but know in time I will be stronger for all of this and thinking positively is an absolute must. Sometimes all I want to do is cry and stomp but those feelings do pass, rather quickly as time goes by. Thanks for your support, I really enjoy your blog and it makes me smile that you have taken time to rea mine 🙂 Cheers!

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