Ms. Lonely

I suppose I’m a Ms. now. Not that I am not still a Mrs. but I’m not quite yet a Miss, so probably, I’d be concidered a proper Ms.

I’d always hated that term. Ms. It always seemed to me the title of a woman who wasn’t married but didn’t want the world to know.

I don’t feel like doing anything but feeling sorry for myself. I’m depressed as hell and still in tremendous pain.

I though for sure I’d be walking along fine weeks ago but I am far from it. And scared of what is wrong that’s preventing me from doing so.

It makes me angry that I can’t skip.

The weather is so beautiful outside and all I can do is try (unsuccessfully) to find a comfortable way to sit while thinking about all of the things I’d like to be doing.

I’d like to plant my garden.

I’d like to go for a long walk.

I’d like to paint the window frames and the door in the kitchen then hang up their new mistreatments.

I’d like to go shopping for some new clothes.

Or take the kids on a weekend trip.

I can’t do any of it.

I can’t wait until my Orthopedic appointment on Friday, to hopefully find out what is wrong with me.

I want to be happy and laugh and smile.

But in reality, I whimper and I hobble and I cry. A lot.

I feel sorry for myself and wish this wasn’t really my life.

But I wished that before, when he was here.

This IS my new life.

Someday things will feel good and sweet again.

But now as of now, my heart is broken. Torn in shreds.

Why did Β it have to be like this?

Why did I wait for him to change for so long?

I saved up over 350$ more than 2 months ago but never crossed it off my list. At least I had a reserve because I’ve done nothing else.

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18 thoughts on “Ms. Lonely

  1. Hi Ginger,

    I have been there myself so I know how you’re feeling – my wife was an alcoholic that wrecked our home, our family our business and left me in considerable business debt (for her business which I had co-signed for).

    Then she battled me in court for the kids, won, but later sent them one-by-one to live with me as they reached 12 or so and could form their own opinions without being bullied.

    She promised many, many times to change, to stop drinking (she was a very nasty and violent drunk), to get better, etc.

    It hurt me when we were together, but it still hurt when we split and she wasn’t there, though many told me I was much better off – I knew that, but it didn’t stop it hurting or make me feel any less lonely.

    Like you, I had that impulse to do the things I wanted to do when I was younger, but didn’t because I had my first daughter when I was 22.

    I wanted to see the world, sail the pacific (I live in Australia), get out there and live! But, then reality comes home, you look at the kids, and realise you have bigger responsibilities.

    I just wanted to tell you Ginger that, though this is a tough period, you will get through it, you will be stronger, your relationship with your kids will be better, and down the road, you will be happier, especially as you are now older and wiser and will be more careful next time.

    Reading your posts, you seem an intelligent, charming woman, a good mother and you look gorgeous in your photo. I have no doubt life will pick up for you and you have a happy and bright future ahead.

    Just hang in there and believe in yourself and your right to a better life and better treatment.
    take care
    Steve

    1. Hi Steve, thank you for reading, commenting, and mostly thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m sorry you had to go through with what you’ve gone through. I really appriciate that you relate with how I’m feeling, the frustration, sadness and heartache.
      So many people tell me, as they told you, that I am better off without him and that I will be just fine without him, but you are right, it doesn’t take the pain away. So badly I wish I could hate him, and I do hate parts of him, but I love him so much more I always will. Ive spend 14 years trying to help him realize that love should be kind and for a few years he was kind but deep down he will always be the same angry man. Ifor the past week I’ve been thinking to myself how much he has changed, but after much thought I’ve realized that I’ve changed. I’ve evolved. I’ve nothing left to give this man who dosent treat his loved ones in a loving way. It makes me so sad. I want to run to him and trust him and have this nice family with him but I know that will never be. He isn’t nice.
      I know in time these feelings will fade and I will smarten up even more, taking this step was huge for me, and I should be proud of it. I’ve had enough. My kids and I do deserve better treatment, just as you and your children did. I’m glad you are on the end side of it and can tell me from experience that life can be so much better.
      Thank you for commenting, it truly means a lot.
      I’m happy to meet you,
      Ginger

  2. Ginger! I canot say I know what you are going through, but I think I have experienced similar heartache, and depression. You are not alone, and even though it is Spring, Summer is around the corner! Don’t think about the time you spent or the money you spent; think of how it was right for you at that time. If it wasn’t; you still learned something. That something is that you are worth so much more than this bullshit. You have been waiting to break away, and now, there is no reason not to. Throw down those f-in shackles, and fly! You are so incredibly talented, you have two stunning, intelligent children whose lives you fill with much more than love, you inspire, and you have always succeeded at everything you have tried. Mr. Is who fucked up, and didn’t try. Let him take all this anger and depression with him, and you give yourself what you deserve- LOVE. Be proud to be a Miss- Miss Thang! At least the r in the word is out- he can have that, too (retard). You are an amazing Miss, Mr. Is out, so we have an S- superfuckinfantasticallyamazing! Come visit! I got access to all kinds of crutches and carts, or I can just carry you.

    1. I love you Beth, you made me laugh out loud with saying you will carry me. I know I will get through this, it’s just so hard to see the light every day. I miss him a lot you know, he wasn’t all bad. He just wasn’t all good. I wish that I could still hope for him to change. I wish it so bad, but I know better and that’s partially what makes me so sad. It’s really over. Half of my life. Gone. I know I’m doing the right thing. I just wish that all of this time he would have done it. We will visit soon, but I do want to be able to walk on my own two feet.

  3. Darling Ginger…

    I send you totally non-stalker and otherwise-creepy-stranger/PE teacher hugs and love.

    You are brave, in all the best senses of the word. You will be a Sunday person, I promise.

    <3. Yerttle

    1. Thanks Yerttle, I love your cyber hugs and promises of being a Sunday person. What I ought to do is print up that inspirational post of yours and hang it in the office, on the fridge, make it my desktop background, tattoo it backwards on my forehead and memorize it. Just kidding, that would be weird. πŸ™‚
      Maybe I will print it up and frame it for my wall though because it is such a wonderful post and one I never want to forget. For real πŸ™‚

  4. I’m not saying anyone is all bad, or that it won’t hurt, for at least as long as you were together, I just want you to know how strong you are, so that when you feel this weak, you can lift yourself back up (especially when you won’t let me do it).
    If there is one thing I have learned in life, is that people don’t change. We may become what we were all along, or improve, but we don’t change. What we can hope for is realization and understanding. That is all you can hope for him. Half of your life is not over! You are alive! You’re just getting started! I can’t wait for what else positive grows out of this unfortunate experience- I’m watching you shine!

    1. Thanks for all of your encouraging words, Beth. I agree with you, people don’t change, they get better or worse, but we are who we are. That is the reason I didn’t agree to let him off with 90 days anger management. 90 days won’t help him. It won’t help the kids. He needs help. Not a slap on the wrist. He needs to really KNOW that treating people (especially the ones he loves) the way he has is destructive. It destroyed our marriage, our family and his relationship with the 2 most important people in his life, his kids. I only hope he will get the right kind of help and repair what he has destroyed with the babes.
      I don’t feel like I’m shiny. But I know, even when I’m sobbing, that I will get there.

  5. Sweet wonderful Ginger…
    I know what you are going through..in part… when you invest so much time and energy in a relationship it is hard to let go..in part you feel like you lost.. you failed in the quest to save the person you love..to change him …we women have a nasty habit of sacrificing ourselves and all that we are thinking that at the end of the day it will be all worth it…but the sad truth is ..it never is…
    Love is a verb..it is expressed in actions not words..he could tell you he loves you in the sweetest and most amazing ways but the minute he raises his hand to hit you …alll that turns into nonesense..
    Love is a two way road..you have to give as much as you take…anything other than that is abuse..
    I was in love long ago in a relationship that was destined to fail but I always thought that if I loved him enough I could fix it all..I couldn’t..and for the longest time I was angry..the funniest thing is I was angry at me..as if I failed..I didn’t try hard enough (my brain was taking a time off at the time obviously)..it took years to finally put things in prespective…and finally see things as they really were…
    You know there is a saying I love…
    Life is like a school…it teaches you lessons and then tests you to see if you got it…if you fail to learn the lesson it will be repeated over and over..(you make the same mistakes…hang out with the wrong people..forgive when you shouldn’t …give another chance when you should be running in the opposite direction)..life will keep repeating the lesson till you GET IT.. only then will you move on…
    You got it! you learned the lesson but it is so hard not to feel bad about all the tests you failed and all the time you lost..

    Sorry for the long comment…I just wanted to say..it shall pass..someday you will look back and smile and pat yourself on the back for your courage and intellegence..in the mean time…hang in there

    1. The very first thing I did this morning (before I fell back asleep for another hour) was read this wonderful comment. I have to thank you because you brought a smile to my face and it has stayed with me for most of the day.
      You are right, love is a verb, and I want to make something clear to everyone. He was not violent with me often, but when he was it was worse each time and it was becoming more frequent. Please don’t think I was beaten up every day. He was emotionally abusive and he was overly physical with my son. This last instance was the final straw. I don’t want everyone thinking he is a total monster, I don’t even think he was in his own head when he acted like this. But, that makes it even worse I suppose.
      Anyway, back to how you cheered me up…
      I was often angry with myself too, I think that’s why I tried for so long. I let him convince me I was crazy and foolish for not seeing things his way. And for a long time I did just that, I thought it was me.
      You are so right about the life is a school. Making mistakes until you realize that you are doing the same thing over and over is often hard to ealize. I didn’t think of it that way, but you are so right. This also reminds me of the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.
      I guess he was right, sorta, not crazy… INSANE πŸ˜›
      I loved your long comment, really it set the tone for my whole day and I am so very lucky, happy and blessed to have such a wonderful friend.

  6. Hey Ginger.
    I go away for one day and this is what happens to you dear! Sheesh!

    Naw but straight face on, being serious now. I think you’re getting a wee bit hung up on the Mrs/Ms/Miss part. Does it really matter what goes before your name? Its just a label and doesn’t mean much. What matters is that you are Ginger : a wonderful mother, a great cook from what we hear from Dacia’s blog and a fabulous blogger yourself who makes us readers smile, laugh and sometimes even shed a tear or two. We don’t care whether you are Miss, Mrs, Ms, Lady, Dame or even Sir! Lol. Its irrelevant and is not part of who you are.

    Secondly, just because today feels like a crap day, doesn’t mean tomorrow will be too or the day after that. Take everything as it comes. It’s a long road I know but you will get there. Some day you will wake up and see something that makes you realise that it’s not all bad.

    “Why did it have to be like this?” – I don’t know, and none of us do. But QuΓ© Sera and somewhere down the line there might be a logical reason to be discovered or realised.

    “Why did I wait for him to change for so long?” – Well, you know the answer to that one yourself, because you love him. But love can’t change a person unfortunately, as you well know. But don’t be beating yourself up too much for trying. You did your best with an unresolvable situation and should be proud of that fact.

    In a comment you also mentioned “It’s really over. Half of my life. Gone.” Your life is not ‘gone’. Sure its in the past, but everyone has a past and it makes us who we are today. Don’t be regretting the past. Ask yourself, if you were given the same choice, do you honestly believe you would have chosen differently? I may be wrong, but I don’t think you would have. Don’t be thinking that the past 14 years were a waste. You have two lovely children as a product of that relationship and you said so yourself, he was not all bad and that there were some good times. Unfortunately, the bad now means that there cannot be anymore good in the future within this relationship. But that’s ok, because sometime you will feel ready to find the good somewhere else. Just because you have run out of road, doesn’t mean the journey was worthless, you just need to travel along a new road now and that will be even better than the first.

    Sorry if I’m preaching or anything but I hope you feel better soon. And well, if I’m unsuccessful in making you feel better about your own life, maybe I can make you laugh at mine. After another attempt to avoid studying, I only have half an eyebrow πŸ˜›

    For now I’ve banned myself from my blog because I really need to knuckle down before the big exam tomorrow, but afterwards I’m going to post my latest mishap. Hopefully it’ll make you smile at least πŸ™‚

    Lots of Hugs
    Toffee
    πŸ™‚

    1. I know Toffee, it was your email that did me in πŸ˜‰
      Honestly I was just feeling fake, posting away as if I were fine and merry, but I haven’t been. I had sadness in me and in my other sad post a lot of comments were about how if I feel sad, be sad, let it out. So I did.
      The way you reminded me that somewhere down the road there will probably be a logical explanation as to why all of this happened made me smile. You are right. It’s so easy to forget that everything happens for a reason, which I truly think it does.
      I wouldn’t change the past, and I don’t think it was a waste, it just was such a long time. A long time of fighting, worrying, feeling angry, upset and alone. I felt helpless and fought hard. I know he tried hard himself. I know we love each other and I know he loves the kids, he just goes on so brutally that it isn’t good for anyone. Including him. He needs to fix what he is so angry about. He won’t though and for that I feel I’ve wasted so much time. It was a lost cause that I exhausted myself fighting for. I had to know it wouldn’t work out.
      Que’ Sera.
      You make me feel good about my life, don’t worry. You are so great to me, as are all of the wonderful people I’ve gotten the chance to know. I will be checking your blog, of course! I just hope it will say “I’ve done the impossible! I’ve gotten my studying done!” Just kidding, I tease, I know you’ll get it done.

      And I do hope you’ll post a picture of your un-brow!

      πŸ™‚

  7. This is me giving you a hug {HUG} . I wish that there was something I could say that would make it all better. I wish there was a way to take your pain away but I know that this is a battle you have to work through on your own in order to become a stronger person. I hope your trip to the orthopedic doctor goes well and they are able to treat you properly. I hope you can heal quickly both from the injuries and your heart. I know that you will make it through this even though right now it probably seems like a never-ending struggle. In the end you will feel better and realize how much better your life is now. I can’t guarantee it won’t be hard but I can promise it will be better.

    1. Thank you Dacia, thank you, thank you. I hope the Doctor fixes me up real good. Less than 18 hours to go! You really hit the nail on the head when you said it won’t be hard but it will be better. You are so right and I thank you for saying so. πŸ™‚
      ps Thanks for the hug, I love them, it was wonderful!

  8. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again…although I don’t know you personally, I really do think you are one amazingly strong woman. Perhaps stronger than you sometimes give yourself credit for.

    It’s okay to feel lonely or sad or even just not want to do anything at all. But, remember, it’s also okay to let yourself find happiness again – when you are ready – and you have lots of people rooting for you!

    1. A funny thing is, I know that I am strong, deep down I know it. I even got a tattoo 7 years ago that says strength. Sometimes I forget it, so a good reminding is perfect in times like these.
      I hope that I will find happiness someday, and I am trying each day to notice the little things in life that do bring a smile to my face. I am so glad to have such a large and fantastic cheering section, it means the world to me and brings me so much more strength. Thank you so much for your support and for sticking by me during the worst time. You have no idea how much it helps!

  9. Being a Ms. only signals that you’re self-reliant, whether you’re single, divorced or married. Wear it with pride. You’re strong enough to get through this, and anything else life throws your way.

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