Self Therapy 101

Last weekend I spent some much needed tlc time at my sisters in the country. While I had the opportunity to stay away for two nights and have lunch with her (crossing both off  the list) it wasn’t for anything fun.

I had indicated a few posts back that there was some abuse going on and on Saturday the worst of my husband sent me to the hospital.  Not knowing what to do or what was going to happen I called my sister and she rushed to my side.

The police advised me that a warrent was issued for my husband and not to return to my home until he was in their custody or I had a protective order in hand.

Since returning home I am filled with a whole range of emotions, sadness being the leading lady, regret, worry, fear, doubt and anger. My whole life has been suddenly turned upside down. My husband is gone and has been ordered to not come back.

As my body is starting to heal, my heart is consumed with pain.

I haven’t been to work all week because of all of the legal steps that need to be taken on top of the physical and emotional condition I am in. I’m not sure how long this is going to drag out for and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I am scared shitless, not of him, but of what is going to happen next.

I can’t help but still love him and can only pray and wish that he would get some much needed help.

I want him to be able to be a part of the kids life, I want them not to hate him.

I want to be able to trust that he won’t hurt us ever again. I am filled with such an incredible sadness to know that it’s highly unlikely he won’t ever hurt us again.

I thought a lot about my blog when I was at my sisters, I thought that I should probably give it up, that I wouldn’t be able to be as spunky as I was last week before all of this happened. But then I thought about how much I love this blog, and how well I was doing and how the post I was given such recognition for was written a day after a separate painful incident here at home.

All of this pain I have inside of me seems to make for good writing.

I am not a quitter and I need this blog to keep me going. I need this to keep me goofy and fun and to force me to find the happiness through the most unhappiest of times.

I know this post is much more serious and super heavy compared to my normal light hearted approach to being trapped in suburbia, but  this is my real life and I just wanted to get this off of my chest; if only to explain what the previous post was about, the lack of writing in the past week and I’m hoping that maybe being honest about this will help me understand how truly healing the written word can be.

I am going to have to change some of my resolutions now as quite a few involved him and I am giving myself a little time to make the changes because of everything that is still going on. Maybe when the time is right I’ll ask for some help from my readers.

I’m allowed to do that, to change my resolutions, because it’s my blog and this is my new life and I am finally the one making the rules.

Okay, that is my sad post and I promise myself that will be the last for this blog.

Now… I think I’ll  go make a mess in the kitchen with 4 pounds of chicken, my camera and no recipe.

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18 thoughts on “Self Therapy 101

  1. I know we don’t know each other, and I have only very recently started reading your blog, but I just wanted to say that you seem to be an incredibly strong woman. Whether you change your lists, take a break from writing, or even write about sad things sometimes, I do hope you keep up with your blog, because I think it’s wonderful. I wish you lots of luck and strength and happiness.

  2. Ginger… you are an amazing strong woman, you are passionate about life and I love reading everything you write…a wonderful spirit shines through your words..so please dont stop writing..a blog is not about other people..it is about you..so write from the heart as you have been doing and dont worry about it being sad or happy…what comes from the heart will touch other people’s hearts

    I am truly sorry you went through such terrible abuse.. no one deserves that especially someone as special as you..
    I am also very proud of you for taking steps to stop it.. you are brave and have to keep being brave…it is not easy but one day at a time and you can do it…
    I originally came here to tell you that you have 2 awards waiting for you on my blog…then I found this post and I had to say..please dont stop writing… and I hope the awards put a smile on your face…

    Sawsan

  3. I am not sure what to say, not really sure there are words to adequately say how truly sorry I am that you are going through this. It makes me so mad that your husband hurt you that way and it tears me up inside knowing the struggles you are faced with now. How unfair it is for you to suffer through both the emotional and physical pain of abuse. I am truly sorry. I wish I had the power to fix everything but sadly I do not. Just know that myself, as well as all of your other readers, will never judge you or criticize you for being open on your blog or writing about what is real in your life. We are all here for you, to help support you, whenever you need it. You need to focus on you and use this blog as your outlet if you need it. Hopefully you will see the community you have here and use us to help you- if that makes sense.

    Again, please let us know if you need anything at all. Anything at all.

  4. I know that you said you are scared of what is happening now and what will happen in the future, but by speaking up and by sharing this with all of us, that takes so much courage; you are stronger than you know, and you will get through all of this–one blog post at a time.
    My favorite thing about blogging is that it can be a source of healing; your blog listens, it’s a diary for your thoughts, which can be shared or kept to oneself; blogging gives you a community full of hope and love and encouragement. And we’re all here!
    Keep up the beautiful, heartfelt writing!

  5. I want to thank each of you for your kind words and support during this difficult time. I know that someday this pain will pass and I will be a better person than I am today. I want so badly for this to all just go away but the sad truth, that I am having a terrible time accepting, is that if I just ignore the facts they will never go away.
    I cried so many times yesterday, broke down and sobbed. I wish. I wish. He won’t change, it would only be temporary, I know that from the history. I talked to a close friend and that made me feel better, then I read all of your comments and it gave me some strength. Then before bed I read quite a few articles on Domestic Violence and fell asleep without the tears.
    My kids and I will get through this. It is going to take time and through my reading last night I found out that it is normal for me to want to run to him for comfort. It’s a cycle and it needs to be broken. I don’t want my son to be like him or my daughter to be like me.
    Thank you again, each of you, for your support and encouragement, it really means so much to me. It means a lot for the kids too, even though they don’t know it, a strong and safe mommy is all they need right now.

    1. Sometimes we love them so much, but in the end it is self preservation to just walk away… and never look back. For the sake of your children you will have to continue to deal with him, and make no mistake… never disparage him in their presence. They will see all and know all and come to their own conclusions about how they feel about him. What he has done was wrong, but now you, being the wonderfully strong woman you are, will pick up the pieces and go on. There will be lots of tears getting used to not having him in the picture, but at least you will be safe, and that is more important than any feelings you may have had for him.
      Lynda

  6. My heart hurts for you. Domestic abuse is horrible, it has lasting effects on all the lives it touches.
    You are brave.
    You are strong.

    Knowing the difference between loving someone and being able to live with someone who exhibits toxic behavior is a very good thing.

    Be strong!

  7. Yes! a strong, safe and alive mummy is what they need..be strong Ginger. It won’t be easy but you are up to the challenge. It is natural for you to want to run to him , to think i’ll give him one more chance..this time he will change..but deeo down you know he won’t.. don’t give him the chance to hurt you again..be strong for yourself and the for the kids…do it one day at a time..in baby steps if you will..and trust me the day will come when you will look back and be proud of yourself for how far you have gone and what good it brought into your life

  8. Thinking of you and your family. Stay connected to family and friends that make you feel loved. Do something for yourself. I know what you are going through but everyone has a different challenge. You are fortunate to be so talented with your writing and cooking. Onwards and upwards I say!

  9. I realise I just left a comment on your about page, which was before I read this so therefore probably seems a little out of sync. THis post is inspirational in its honesty and your strong and open outlook. Keep blogging, and do whatever it is that makes YOU happiest. That is the most important thing.

  10. My Dear Ginger, you are incredibly brave. You are stronger than you think, tougher than you feel, and cared for more than you know.

    I send you hugs and a chocolate buffet.

  11. Just getting to know you a little bit, and from all I’ve read thus far, you are a woman with great inner strength, and that strength will serve you well over the next weeks/months/years. You are also a wonderful writer–able to reach out to readers as if you’re right there with them…chatting. Keep it up!

    1. Wow, thank you so much! You really made my day! I feel strong on some days, others not so much. I really enjoyed your blog also and looking forward to getting to know you as well 🙂

  12. I understand the dilemma about the blog…mine is typically goofy, sarcastic, off-the-wall…and I was proud of this. I even once deleted some things I had posted that weren’t “chipper” enough (at 3am in a blind panic that I was going to “lose” my comedy-enjoying readers),

    Then I learned. It’s MY blog. It’s about ME, and damnit I am just not a freaking cheerleader all the time. We all have a little dark inside, and sometimes it has to come out. So I made peace with the occasional sad or angry post…and found that I actually like the whole blog just a little bit better for it.

    I am terribly sorry for what you have gone through, and I admire your strength.

    …and your writing talent! Happy, goofy, or sad…you have a great collection of stories here. Keep it up!!
    If anyone would like to read some of my own stories (disasters and fiascoes), I am at penhappyhippie.wordpress.com

    Thanks for some GREAT reading!!!

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