Last weekend I spent some much needed tlc time at my sisters in the country. While I had the opportunity to stay away for two nights and have lunch with her (crossing both off the list) it wasn’t for anything fun.
I had indicated a few posts back that there was some abuse going on and on Saturday the worst of my husband sent me to the hospital. Not knowing what to do or what was going to happen I called my sister and she rushed to my side.
The police advised me that a warrent was issued for my husband and not to return to my home until he was in their custody or I had a protective order in hand.
Since returning home I am filled with a whole range of emotions, sadness being the leading lady, regret, worry, fear, doubt and anger. My whole life has been suddenly turned upside down. My husband is gone and has been ordered to not come back.
As my body is starting to heal, my heart is consumed with pain.
I haven’t been to work all week because of all of the legal steps that need to be taken on top of the physical and emotional condition I am in. I’m not sure how long this is going to drag out for and I don’t know what the outcome will be. I am scared shitless, not of him, but of what is going to happen next.
I can’t help but still love him and can only pray and wish that he would get some much needed help.
I want him to be able to be a part of the kids life, I want them not to hate him.
I want to be able to trust that he won’t hurt us ever again. I am filled with such an incredible sadness to know that it’s highly unlikely he won’t ever hurt us again.
I thought a lot about my blog when I was at my sisters, I thought that I should probably give it up, that I wouldn’t be able to be as spunky as I was last week before all of this happened. But then I thought about how much I love this blog, and how well I was doing and how the post I was given such recognition for was written a day after a separate painful incident here at home.
All of this pain I have inside of me seems to make for good writing.
I am not a quitter and I need this blog to keep me going. I need this to keep me goofy and fun and to force me to find the happiness through the most unhappiest of times.
I know this post is much more serious and super heavy compared to my normal light hearted approach to being trapped in suburbia, but this is my real life and I just wanted to get this off of my chest; if only to explain what the previous post was about, the lack of writing in the past week and I’m hoping that maybe being honest about this will help me understand how truly healing the written word can be.
I am going to have to change some of my resolutions now as quite a few involved him and I am giving myself a little time to make the changes because of everything that is still going on. Maybe when the time is right I’ll ask for some help from my readers.
I’m allowed to do that, to change my resolutions, because it’s my blog and this is my new life and I am finally the one making the rules.
Okay, that is my sad post and I promise myself that will be the last for this blog.
Now… I think I’ll go make a mess in the kitchen with 4 pounds of chicken, my camera and no recipe.